Back in Sunny California
It seems that Jay and I are having similar feelings. It is so easy to get from one place to another anymore. Barely even a day to reach the oppisite side of this world, yet when we walk away from where we are, and where we know we are loved we face many more problems and challenges, and sometimes we feel like they are too much and too strong for what we can stand. I feel like those challenges are knocking me down right now.
Coming to Orange County for school has been a good and difficult thing. I have been given so many opportunities because I have decided to come to this school. I have done research and their is a chance I will be published in three papers this year. I have found a way to love myself, and to live without too many materialistic things, yet I find myself dying to get home. I feel sucked into this pit of trying to look right and act right all the time. I am tired of the drama of being the center of attention because I am not the blond and beautiful girl, I am just me, and due to that, I am often overlooked until I am too hurt to do anything but snap. I can't get mad here, even at my closest friends, for as soon as I do I am told that I am a bad person. I wish I was making this up, but I have been yelled at three times this week because I am fed up with people, and because I am sick. I just have to keep reminding myself that I am here for a reason, and that I will be home soon-ish.
Looking back at home, in Eugene, I finally see what I have. No, I don't get along with everyone all the time, and yes, I can be a huge jerk, but I am allowed to express myself, and, even if it isn't true, I feel as if people care about me and like me as a person. If I am ranting about my family, having a heart to heart with a friend that I am upset with, or singing a pop song in a nice restaurant, I always feel like people have my back. Maybe that is Eugene, maybe it is the people who live there, but whatever it is, I can't wait to get back!
I am gonna make it through this semester. I have a ton of stuff to keep me going, and hopefully another job (but I don't find out til Wednesday) I am strong enough, and I can do this. Sometimes, though, I just need those people at home to listen to me rant and tell me that I am not a jerk, even if it is true.
I can't wait to get home.
Coming to Orange County for school has been a good and difficult thing. I have been given so many opportunities because I have decided to come to this school. I have done research and their is a chance I will be published in three papers this year. I have found a way to love myself, and to live without too many materialistic things, yet I find myself dying to get home. I feel sucked into this pit of trying to look right and act right all the time. I am tired of the drama of being the center of attention because I am not the blond and beautiful girl, I am just me, and due to that, I am often overlooked until I am too hurt to do anything but snap. I can't get mad here, even at my closest friends, for as soon as I do I am told that I am a bad person. I wish I was making this up, but I have been yelled at three times this week because I am fed up with people, and because I am sick. I just have to keep reminding myself that I am here for a reason, and that I will be home soon-ish.
Looking back at home, in Eugene, I finally see what I have. No, I don't get along with everyone all the time, and yes, I can be a huge jerk, but I am allowed to express myself, and, even if it isn't true, I feel as if people care about me and like me as a person. If I am ranting about my family, having a heart to heart with a friend that I am upset with, or singing a pop song in a nice restaurant, I always feel like people have my back. Maybe that is Eugene, maybe it is the people who live there, but whatever it is, I can't wait to get back!
I am gonna make it through this semester. I have a ton of stuff to keep me going, and hopefully another job (but I don't find out til Wednesday) I am strong enough, and I can do this. Sometimes, though, I just need those people at home to listen to me rant and tell me that I am not a jerk, even if it is true.
I can't wait to get home.
posted by autumn at 11:02 PM
2 Comments:
autumn my dearest, you just brought tears to my eyes. no lie. i miss you so much and you know you can always call and rant to me. im sorry if i was a tad distracted when you called last night but i love you and miss you so much. you are such a strong woman with determination and fight and that amazes me. you are one of the most amazing people in my life and i look up to you and your strong desire to do what you want to do and love. you inspire so many people and i know things can be hard and im sorry you are sick at the moment but that will pass soon and so will the time until you come back to us, just don't loose your fabulous self in the process. stay true to you. your crazy lovable neurotic self! :) all my love and a great big hug!!!
hon, I love you! I'm sorry too - i know i've been a bit distracted these first few weeks getting back into things. but let's talk on the phone sometime soon. there is always so much i want to say to you!
ps.. thank you for posting :)
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