Realizations
I have been avoiding my homework for the entire day through a variety of methods. There was frisbee this morning which taught me that bidding in a sports bra on turf hurts your stomach and then there was movies that I was watching off line. First it was 10 Things I Hate About You. A quick break for the update on the OSU vs. Cal game and then I was trying to think up another movie I wanted to watch. As I did so I was brought back to a conversation I had with a friend back in May.
Back in May I was kind of freaking out, I think we all were. Part of me was ready to get away from everything that I had ever known in Eugene. I was dying to get away from a family I felt didn't love me, friends who were using me and a place were I felt I would never be considered beautiful. I wanted, desperatly to start my life in California and never worry about returning. During the summer I found a lot of my first--boyfriend, kiss, alcholic party, alcholic beverage, job and trip to Minnisota. In such a brief amount of time I tried to run from everything without going anywhere. And in running, I did find some good things. But then it was time to go to college and I suddenly realized that I didn't want to leave.
The first three weeks down in California were awful. I didn't have any friends, people I trusted hurt me, and some of the only people who I wanted to talk to were halfway around the world. I was lost. I tried to make myself feel better by calling people at home, and then the change happened. I hung up the phone.
I suppose that I can't explain every change I have been through when I left. I was rebelious and just wanted to be noticed. I wanted to get away. Looking back, some of who I am was illuminated for me. I found out that people can consider me beautiful and I can take them seriously. I found out that my friends back home, even when I get mad, frustrated or hurt by them, really do love me more than I give them credit for. But down here, I think I learned even more.
When I left Oregon, I swore that I would try new things, get rid of frisbee from my life and just be an outgoing, likable person. That image was soon shattered. I found myself without friends, one of my biggest fears, afraid to step outside of my box and missing frisbee more than I thought was possible. I called people, but it only made me feel worse, and then something clinked.
My friend, Vanessa, invited me to go Swing dancing. I said no. How could I? I didn't know how, and I didn't want to make a fool of myself, maybe when I am in real life I will learn how to dance. Then it dawned on me, if I didn't do this now, I never would. I can say that I am still not very good at dancing, but now I go twice a week and love it. I also learned to love frisbee again.
I know that probably sounds stupid, to relearn how to love something, but I had to realize that I can't let others dictate what I like or don't like to do. Plus, since I learned this new love, I am playing with an awesome groups of guys.
Finally my biggest fear--No friends. I kind of wish that I could say that I am super popular, that everyone loves me and I am getting asked out all the time, but that's a lie, but I also think I am okay with that. I have some friends down here and while I don't have quantity I do have quality, which I am beginning to see is more important. I don't call people very often. I have realized that if the feeling is mutral, they will call me too. I am ok with not having people around all the time. It lets me thing and figure out who I am, like deciding not to drink down here. I have seen it, and it doesn't interest me. I see what people are like and it isn't me.
I suppose that in college you are supposed to "find your husband" and happiness, and I have found one of those things--happiness. I don't feel incomplete or unloved down here. Yes, I feel bored and lonely every now and then, but I also feel like I am growing. Down here I am learning to smile more, be a little more outgoing, look like a fool and just love life and everything around me for what it is, because really it is just life.
Back in May I was kind of freaking out, I think we all were. Part of me was ready to get away from everything that I had ever known in Eugene. I was dying to get away from a family I felt didn't love me, friends who were using me and a place were I felt I would never be considered beautiful. I wanted, desperatly to start my life in California and never worry about returning. During the summer I found a lot of my first--boyfriend, kiss, alcholic party, alcholic beverage, job and trip to Minnisota. In such a brief amount of time I tried to run from everything without going anywhere. And in running, I did find some good things. But then it was time to go to college and I suddenly realized that I didn't want to leave.
The first three weeks down in California were awful. I didn't have any friends, people I trusted hurt me, and some of the only people who I wanted to talk to were halfway around the world. I was lost. I tried to make myself feel better by calling people at home, and then the change happened. I hung up the phone.
I suppose that I can't explain every change I have been through when I left. I was rebelious and just wanted to be noticed. I wanted to get away. Looking back, some of who I am was illuminated for me. I found out that people can consider me beautiful and I can take them seriously. I found out that my friends back home, even when I get mad, frustrated or hurt by them, really do love me more than I give them credit for. But down here, I think I learned even more.
When I left Oregon, I swore that I would try new things, get rid of frisbee from my life and just be an outgoing, likable person. That image was soon shattered. I found myself without friends, one of my biggest fears, afraid to step outside of my box and missing frisbee more than I thought was possible. I called people, but it only made me feel worse, and then something clinked.
My friend, Vanessa, invited me to go Swing dancing. I said no. How could I? I didn't know how, and I didn't want to make a fool of myself, maybe when I am in real life I will learn how to dance. Then it dawned on me, if I didn't do this now, I never would. I can say that I am still not very good at dancing, but now I go twice a week and love it. I also learned to love frisbee again.
I know that probably sounds stupid, to relearn how to love something, but I had to realize that I can't let others dictate what I like or don't like to do. Plus, since I learned this new love, I am playing with an awesome groups of guys.
Finally my biggest fear--No friends. I kind of wish that I could say that I am super popular, that everyone loves me and I am getting asked out all the time, but that's a lie, but I also think I am okay with that. I have some friends down here and while I don't have quantity I do have quality, which I am beginning to see is more important. I don't call people very often. I have realized that if the feeling is mutral, they will call me too. I am ok with not having people around all the time. It lets me thing and figure out who I am, like deciding not to drink down here. I have seen it, and it doesn't interest me. I see what people are like and it isn't me.
I suppose that in college you are supposed to "find your husband" and happiness, and I have found one of those things--happiness. I don't feel incomplete or unloved down here. Yes, I feel bored and lonely every now and then, but I also feel like I am growing. Down here I am learning to smile more, be a little more outgoing, look like a fool and just love life and everything around me for what it is, because really it is just life.
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posted by autumn at 9:14 PM
2 Comments:
yay for life!
would you like to know how intelligent I am? I finally realized that if I clicked on your name in one of your comments it would take me to your blog *smacks forehead*
So first: I think I really like Vanessa. Swing dancing is amazing.
Also: I think we're going through a lot of the same stuff right now. I had 4 days away from my family, and it felt amazing. Then I came back home and had this MASSIVE breakdown, and I'm really looking at myself and reevaluating. It's interesting. I would write a blog entry on it except my grandma reads my blog so, in case you haven't noticed, it's slightly superficial ;) But I love you, and want you to know I feel ya... I've decided life is absofuckinglutely amazing and I'm going to love every moment :) I swear this Buddhist influence is getting to me....
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