Two Parts
I don't know how I feel about this coming back idea. I have to say that I did not want to go when I was down in California, but then I got on the plane and I couldn't contain my excitement. I got to see some of, whom I considered, my best friends, people I assumed could never be replaced. And while I was sad to be leaving my college friends, I realized that they were all excited to see their own families and nothing bad would happen. What a difference from reality.
Getting in to the Eugene airport I was met by my mother and my friend, Ben. It was great seeing him, but the joy was soon short lived. Instead of going home, I went with Ben to hang out. It was a tiring experience, as things had not changed since I left, and many of the things that had not changed were the things I was so ready to be away from in the beginning. I just wanted to go home. When I got home I found even more hadn't changed, my sister still hangs on me and my mom is still obsessed with her husband. There is still a divide in my family as to who has the most importance and it wasn't long before I was being requested as taxi and family counslor. I was tired of it before it even began.
As I saw more and more people, my feelings were shaken. I loved seeing my "sisters," something I had been dreding because we had not gotten along very well towards the end of my senior year, and the added addition of meeting one of my "sister's" fiancee did not help my feelings. I felt as if everything were spinning out of control. And it still is.
As break progressed, I found myself in the reverse of my earlier feelings. All I wanted to do was talk to my friends from college, the ones that I enjoyed who I was around. I spent hours on the phone and stayed up til the wee hours of the morning just to IM with my friends. I want to be back and I am ready to leave this life behind, not becuase it is bad, but because it is part of my past, and not my present. I now desire, like you would not believe, wishing that I was back at school with all my college friends, just hanging out in Club 233. Unfortunetly, my desire to be back has caused me to be a jerk. I want to go back so bad, I want to start packing right now. I am in trouble becuase I do not want to socilize with my friends nor family.
Perhaps all of these feelings will just disappear, and perhaps I will stop being a jerk, but I don't see either of these happening until I am back at school. I love my past, but I realize that I am ready to meet my present and future.
Getting in to the Eugene airport I was met by my mother and my friend, Ben. It was great seeing him, but the joy was soon short lived. Instead of going home, I went with Ben to hang out. It was a tiring experience, as things had not changed since I left, and many of the things that had not changed were the things I was so ready to be away from in the beginning. I just wanted to go home. When I got home I found even more hadn't changed, my sister still hangs on me and my mom is still obsessed with her husband. There is still a divide in my family as to who has the most importance and it wasn't long before I was being requested as taxi and family counslor. I was tired of it before it even began.
As I saw more and more people, my feelings were shaken. I loved seeing my "sisters," something I had been dreding because we had not gotten along very well towards the end of my senior year, and the added addition of meeting one of my "sister's" fiancee did not help my feelings. I felt as if everything were spinning out of control. And it still is.
As break progressed, I found myself in the reverse of my earlier feelings. All I wanted to do was talk to my friends from college, the ones that I enjoyed who I was around. I spent hours on the phone and stayed up til the wee hours of the morning just to IM with my friends. I want to be back and I am ready to leave this life behind, not becuase it is bad, but because it is part of my past, and not my present. I now desire, like you would not believe, wishing that I was back at school with all my college friends, just hanging out in Club 233. Unfortunetly, my desire to be back has caused me to be a jerk. I want to go back so bad, I want to start packing right now. I am in trouble becuase I do not want to socilize with my friends nor family.
Perhaps all of these feelings will just disappear, and perhaps I will stop being a jerk, but I don't see either of these happening until I am back at school. I love my past, but I realize that I am ready to meet my present and future.
posted by autumn at 12:39 PM
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