With the End in Sight

With finals just around the corner, and having to take more time than ever to sit down and concentrate on what I need to be doing to understand everything and walk out of my first year of college with a GPA that I consider acceptable, I seem to spend a lot of time not studying. The changes that have occured this semester have thrown me into a loop of confusion and stability. I feel that sometimes all I am is lost at the head of the storm. I feel yanked and pulled in every direction imaginable, yet I am not centered, balanced, or following my own heart. I have spent time being on medication, changing my diet, and finding alternative ways to "fix" me. Yet, as I often sit back and look at the things around me, I realize how miniscule all of it is. Given, this semester has been a huge test on who I am and where I am headed, but nevertheless, I find myself pushing through, wanting to discover who I am and where I am going. I don't need to be told what other people think, or what I should do. I find myself looking around and noticing the uniqueness of every person I know, and part of me is torn inside because of this uniqueness, for with a crystal look into the future, that I manage to glimps rather infrequently, I see that the ties that make us unique will slowly wrap themselves around people that are similar to ourselves. We will find ourselves in search of that level of comfort where we can always be ourselves, in the simplest terms of not having to speak less of what makes us. I don't suppose this makes any sense to anyone but me, but it is like a dull knife has already added a severe in the ropes that hold me to some people. Some of those ropes are held only by a tread, and they are the ones I have to see if I want to mend, stay still, or pull harder. It sounds awful, but I know who I will pull away from and why. It isn't always the people that think I am pulling away either. I guess, what I am trying to say, that with the end in sight, things feel like they are changing more than when I felt like all I could see was the beginning.