Going With The Trend...
Perhaps the fact is that all of us who are alone for Valentine's Day are beginning to get a little bit of the blues on a day that is supposed to be filled with love and caring, or perhaps it is more. I don't know anymore. I find myself looking deeply at the person I am right now. I don't enjoy the classes I am required to attend right now, and lie to myself, telling myself that I will love my chemistry class just to make it through. It isn't easy. I feel like there is a void defining who I am at the moment.
I know that I blame my Dad's death as the main reason that I can't handle things, but I am starting to see the light. I can't handle things for a lot of reasons, poor self-esteem, my dad's death, sugar, and the inability to prioritize for myself are at the top of that list. I don't really look out for myself. Not that anyone is surprised by this realization, but unfortunetley for me, this realization came at a painful time for me.
I have had an interesting past couple of weeks. I have been incredibly happy, yet I know that I am completely crushed at the same time. Maybe I should start with the most recent, yet distant, occurance. I found the Valentine that one of my friends gave me last year. It was sweet, kind, and made me start thinking. What was I to this person? Did they ever think of me as more than a friend? I am so curious, yet I crave for what I had with this person, despite the three months of "faking it." I want that back, and I feel like that person is drifting farther and farther away.
I guess now I am going into the more recent thing. I had to choose the other day, a choice of making me happy or going with the safe road. I choose the safe road, and then, after being depressed for a day, I decided that, for once in my life, I was going to make me happy. And, when I finally choose for me, what happened? I got denied, not in a harsh way, but still it hurts to be rejected. I finally chased after something I want and then they choose the safe road. I guess I just wonder if making me happy is ever going to fit into my life, or anyone else's.
I am so grateful for my friends here, as I have always been, but there are days that I just wish that, just once, that some one would come hold me, tell me that I am beautiful, and put something aside for me. I want to be held and protected, yet I realize the truth. Friends forever, "to love each other, but not be in love," "maybe they're supposed to be there." All phrases I live by, perhaps one day they will match more than just my heart.
Love to my friends, love to myself, and, perhaps, love from the one I care so deeply about.
I know that I blame my Dad's death as the main reason that I can't handle things, but I am starting to see the light. I can't handle things for a lot of reasons, poor self-esteem, my dad's death, sugar, and the inability to prioritize for myself are at the top of that list. I don't really look out for myself. Not that anyone is surprised by this realization, but unfortunetley for me, this realization came at a painful time for me.
I have had an interesting past couple of weeks. I have been incredibly happy, yet I know that I am completely crushed at the same time. Maybe I should start with the most recent, yet distant, occurance. I found the Valentine that one of my friends gave me last year. It was sweet, kind, and made me start thinking. What was I to this person? Did they ever think of me as more than a friend? I am so curious, yet I crave for what I had with this person, despite the three months of "faking it." I want that back, and I feel like that person is drifting farther and farther away.
I guess now I am going into the more recent thing. I had to choose the other day, a choice of making me happy or going with the safe road. I choose the safe road, and then, after being depressed for a day, I decided that, for once in my life, I was going to make me happy. And, when I finally choose for me, what happened? I got denied, not in a harsh way, but still it hurts to be rejected. I finally chased after something I want and then they choose the safe road. I guess I just wonder if making me happy is ever going to fit into my life, or anyone else's.
I am so grateful for my friends here, as I have always been, but there are days that I just wish that, just once, that some one would come hold me, tell me that I am beautiful, and put something aside for me. I want to be held and protected, yet I realize the truth. Friends forever, "to love each other, but not be in love," "maybe they're supposed to be there." All phrases I live by, perhaps one day they will match more than just my heart.
Love to my friends, love to myself, and, perhaps, love from the one I care so deeply about.
posted by autumn at 12:18 AM
3 Comments:
You should call me sometime. 541-713-6161.
I'm a little worried about you. I think I might know you a little better than you do sometimes and I might be able to give you some words of advice, and if not advice then warning perhaps. I love you dearly. I know what it is like to be in a sucky place in life as far a relationships are concerned. Miss you!
You should post more often. I like the way you write and articulate things...well when you think them through that is.
I have to agree with aubri.. you should post more. I like reading it and it lets me know how you're doing. I'm so happy I got to talk to you a few days ago but I still miss you sooo much! I want to set up a time when I can call you and talk for a long time.. kk?
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