Headache and Heartbreak

College is one of those interesting things in life, some people soar and some people flop. I have to admit that lately I have been flopping, hard core. Chapman is a good school and is full of interesting people, who all seem to already have made their own group of friends. I have been feeling very alone lately, and consequently been eating a good majority of my meals alone in the cafeteria. I knew this was coming when I decided to go to school alone, without any of my friends. I expected it and knew that it was part of the price I paid and until about three thirty this afternoon I wasn't paying it. I am not good at making friends, being loud or putting myself out there and so for the first week and a half I hid, in a corner to not bother other people, until I realized that if I didn't start "bothering" others I was going to be alone for the next four years of my life, and that wasn't something I was willing to trade. I am making progress here but there are still days I wish I was back home in Eugene, setting off for OSU or the likes, but I realize my opportunities for being here and I am sure that there is a reason I am here as well. Plus even if I am wrong and not ready to branch out the question becomes "if not now, when?"

Making that descion to turn around and try to put myself out there put me in a great mood, until I started talking to one of my friends who I considered very close and important in my life. They were being short with me, both via the phone and email and I couldn't for the life of me figure out why. Needing to know the answer so I could be satisfied, the short of it came down to them saying something along the lines of "I can be there for you in the hard times, but we won't really be the hanging out, person you can talk to type of friend" I was shocked and hurt. I attempted to hold back the tears, which would eventually cause the awful headache I am experiencing but to no avail when I tried to talk. "So I should just ignore you and not know what is going on in your life for some three months?" The answer, unforetunetly was a "basically, yes." I felt as if I was shattered. How could someone I trust, leave me when I had put my heart out there? I already felt alone and now it felt as if the greatest gift I could give, my love, was thrown back in my face as worthless. I didn't know what to say, so they said goodbye and I simple shut my cell phone. I haven't given up nor have I closed my heart. I refuse to leave anyone without an option. Even if they leave me barely anything to love with. Oh well, life will get better, I will continue to put myself out there and smile, I still have enough of a heart, and a good one (I hope), left to make new friends. Wish me luck.