Rollarcoaster
I don't know where I am at right now. I know that sounds strange. Obviously, I am in Southern California, but I feel as if I have left some parts of myself elsewhere and I am doing an awful job of keeping those in control. Maybe I should start with a general summary...
I have been working really hard this semester and, most of the time, I don't feel like is has been paying off. I am taking seven classes (Organic chemistry II, Introduction to Ballroom, In Search of Universal Geometry, Physics II, Spanish 202, Advanced Swing Dancing, and Immunology). I don't really like my classes. I don't dance well, and having criticism doled out to me at nine am twice a week isn't my idea of fun. I like Organic chemistry, which is odd, on many levels, odd. It is a lot of work, and I don't feel like I am doing well (76 on my first test, avg. 68). But, I still find the class interesting. I am not a huge fan of Universal Geometry. It just isn't interesting. Physics...how to describe physics? I don't understand anything in the class, yet I got a 90% and then a 95% on my two quizzes. Swing dancing is fun, but I feel as if I am stuck at a plateau. Immunology is good, but long. Two and a half hours once a week, I just don't have that long of a time span, but somehow I managed to get a 98% on my first test. Spanish is good, but difficult, I already have 5 hours of class or work straight before this class, so I am just dead. All of my fellow classmates think the subject matter is stupid and I am not doing as well as I would like in the class (85%, and 90% on my first two tests, respectively). That is daily commitments for class that are starting to bog me down; but then there is more. I have research to do, about five hours a week, and I just don't know when to fit it in. The more I talk to my roommate, the more I question whether I am doing something I really love. But I can't think about that either, because I have two jobs. I work 8.5 hours a week at a local high school "tutoring" which roughly translates to "babysitter." Then I work about 8.5 hours a week at Chapman's Center for Academic Success where I tutor general chemistry and general biology. I must admit that I like the extra money, but it is very tiring. And that is just school.
Outside of school, I don't know what is going on. I think I left my heart with a boy in Oregon, not knowing completely where I stood with him. I was doing fine with this, until yesterday. I don't know what it is. I truly care about him, but I know that it is hard to have any sort of relationship when you live 1,000 miles away from each other. It just doesn't seem fair. I know that I have gone out of my way for two out of the three boys that I have been seriously interested in, and it is hard to have that consideration and kindness not returned. I just feel so alone. It sounds crazy, for I do have friends, but many of them are too lazy to visit me, and the others think that I am shallow. Which, as much as I wish I was making this up, is what they have told me to my face. It hurts but I am getting used to it.
I guess I just feel lost, and hence, depressed lately. I really want to go out with my friends, and just have a chance to smile and laugh. I wish I hadn't given up sweets, tater tots and french fries for lent, so I can't even eat my sorrows away.
Not all is bad, however. My friends are throwing a fake Prom, which I am excited about. I even got a new dress. My roommate bought it for me as a gift because it was on sale and she thought it looked good on me. She is so amazing, and I keep on trying to think of ways to repay her. She sat up with me for two hours last night as I cried in confusion. I just don't know. I know I can do well in school, and work, and that I will survive all these trials, but sometimes, it just seems like the weight is gonna crush me. But I will be the little engine that could. "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can..."
I have been working really hard this semester and, most of the time, I don't feel like is has been paying off. I am taking seven classes (Organic chemistry II, Introduction to Ballroom, In Search of Universal Geometry, Physics II, Spanish 202, Advanced Swing Dancing, and Immunology). I don't really like my classes. I don't dance well, and having criticism doled out to me at nine am twice a week isn't my idea of fun. I like Organic chemistry, which is odd, on many levels, odd. It is a lot of work, and I don't feel like I am doing well (76 on my first test, avg. 68). But, I still find the class interesting. I am not a huge fan of Universal Geometry. It just isn't interesting. Physics...how to describe physics? I don't understand anything in the class, yet I got a 90% and then a 95% on my two quizzes. Swing dancing is fun, but I feel as if I am stuck at a plateau. Immunology is good, but long. Two and a half hours once a week, I just don't have that long of a time span, but somehow I managed to get a 98% on my first test. Spanish is good, but difficult, I already have 5 hours of class or work straight before this class, so I am just dead. All of my fellow classmates think the subject matter is stupid and I am not doing as well as I would like in the class (85%, and 90% on my first two tests, respectively). That is daily commitments for class that are starting to bog me down; but then there is more. I have research to do, about five hours a week, and I just don't know when to fit it in. The more I talk to my roommate, the more I question whether I am doing something I really love. But I can't think about that either, because I have two jobs. I work 8.5 hours a week at a local high school "tutoring" which roughly translates to "babysitter." Then I work about 8.5 hours a week at Chapman's Center for Academic Success where I tutor general chemistry and general biology. I must admit that I like the extra money, but it is very tiring. And that is just school.
Outside of school, I don't know what is going on. I think I left my heart with a boy in Oregon, not knowing completely where I stood with him. I was doing fine with this, until yesterday. I don't know what it is. I truly care about him, but I know that it is hard to have any sort of relationship when you live 1,000 miles away from each other. It just doesn't seem fair. I know that I have gone out of my way for two out of the three boys that I have been seriously interested in, and it is hard to have that consideration and kindness not returned. I just feel so alone. It sounds crazy, for I do have friends, but many of them are too lazy to visit me, and the others think that I am shallow. Which, as much as I wish I was making this up, is what they have told me to my face. It hurts but I am getting used to it.
I guess I just feel lost, and hence, depressed lately. I really want to go out with my friends, and just have a chance to smile and laugh. I wish I hadn't given up sweets, tater tots and french fries for lent, so I can't even eat my sorrows away.
Not all is bad, however. My friends are throwing a fake Prom, which I am excited about. I even got a new dress. My roommate bought it for me as a gift because it was on sale and she thought it looked good on me. She is so amazing, and I keep on trying to think of ways to repay her. She sat up with me for two hours last night as I cried in confusion. I just don't know. I know I can do well in school, and work, and that I will survive all these trials, but sometimes, it just seems like the weight is gonna crush me. But I will be the little engine that could. "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can..."
posted by autumn at 5:56 PM
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