Beauty and Boyfriends

I don't know who wrote the rules, but I am going to shoot them. Today was awful. It started out okay, only to go vastly downhill. I was doing okay until I got my math test, which sucked, my SAT scores, which I am not happy with, and decided to talk to Ben. The conversation started a week ago, when on the phone he told me I needed a boyfriend. I instantly asked why. His reply was "just cause, I mean, you're decent looking." Confused at his comment (what does decent mean???) I let it go, not worrying about it. Then from a trusted friend I heard that decent generally means that it isn't painful to look at you, but you are no pretty thing either. I was hurt, no one wants their friends telling them that they are half a step above ugly...Anyways, today Ben once again went in to the "You need a boyfriend" and suddenly I felt attacked. Was I not good enough or worthy of consideration without a boyfriend? I was ticked. If he had such a problem with it, why doesn't he fix the problem himself??? Not that I want that. I just want to be thought of as a person reguardless of whether I have a boyfriend or not. I just think that it is unfair and cruel to make me feel like a piece of crap becuase guys think that only girls that are hooked up are worth the space they take up.

Holidays...

I don't know if anyone else dispises holidays like I do. I can't really explain how I feel about them. I used to be really good at hiding the fact that I didn't like them. I would pretend to get happy, smile, talk about what I wanted for my birthday. I just don't care anymore. Maybe I should clarify. I don't want anything nor do I need anything, except for friends who care about me, and luckily I have tons of those. I am blessed with many those. I only need to be able to give. Give of myself and show how much I care about others, but when others do the same for me I feel like a waste of thier time, I feel lucky and loved, but guilty too. I miss so many of my friends in the time of holidays. The holidays are for families, but my family is my friends, they build a close knit network around me that keeps me from smashing into the concrete. However, I guess I should explain why I am writing all this, so when I stumble across this in another three months I will remember what I was thinking, and hopefully be able to laugh about it. My birthday has always felt hollow. When my family was together there were always arguements, hidden by parties I would plan and the constant idea that "autumn" was a time of death and rotting pumpkins. Lucky me. Then came the split, no more even faking of a family atmosphere, just my dad gone, ony fifty percent of the time remembering to call, and when they divorced it was a bribery gift, $50 and a see you in two weeks, if I was lucky. Now it is nothing. No hope of hearing his voice, or the dreading of the kiss goodnight with his prickly beard the first night I get to see him. Just an emptiness that needs to be filled, but I want no one to know about. I mean people don't like hanging out with me when I am happy and go lucky, who would ever want to hang out with me if I were a depressed whiner?