I probably shouldn't be posting this, I probably shouldn't even be thinking/sharing thoughts like this. But I am, becuase it is better than the other two ideas in my head that consist of finding some sharp object to play slice and dice with my hands or never moving out of my bed again. So, deep breath, here it goes.
I am tired. Physically, mentally, emotionly. I am tired of so many things at once. I suppose the best idea is just to list why I am tired.
1. I am tired of teachers who make me feel like an idiot.
2. I am tired of getting lectures of how I need to be "more on top of things"
3. I am tired of having to explain my feelings to adults after being backed into a corner with no place to go.
4. I am tired of hearing how beautiful Aubri is from my guys friends because
a. I am quite aware of it.
b. It makes situations akward with them.
c. In a stupid way, it hurts my feelings.
5. I am tired of being picked on by my middle schoolers.
6. I am tired of being beat up by my middle schoolers.
7. I am tired of being personally responsible for all the middle schoolers skills and attitudes, even if it is in a joking way.
8. I am tired of being sick.
9. I am tired of feeling uncomfortable with myself and friends.
10. I am tired of hearing about worlds.
11. I am tired of my mom's wierd boyfriend making me feel like a piece of crap.
12. I am tired of having to be my own parent.
13. I am tired of thinking that my dad is dead.
14. I am tired of thinking Ultimate Frisbee coaching and playing.
15. I am tired of being fat and ugly.
16. I am tired of sleeping.
17. I am tired of going to school.
18. I am tired of teachers just saying that everything is my fault and I deserve it. (Although if anyone has any light on this one, please let me know how I "deserve" it.)
19. I am tired of not being strong enough.
20. I am tired of having to worry about pissing Aubri off everytime I speak to her.
21. I am tired of everything, all things but mainly life.
Sometimes I just wish that someone would take care of me. I wish that I didn't have to figure out all the details. I wish that my frisbee coach would say, "hey great job, you are going to make us proud at Worlds" instead of "you dropped three, Julia hand blocked you, your not running fast enough, and it is mostly your fault if we don't win this game." I guess the real problem is that I am struggling with myself. Who I am is no longer clear. I am not the same girl as two months ago. That girl had a father, World try outs and a sister down in California. This girl, who I am now, is taking charge of two frisbee teams (with Aubri's emensly appriciated help) helping with fundraisers, getting yelled at by teachers, has fallen behind in class (something that had never happened until my dad died) and is taking 9 classes. Sometimes, I think that being a non moving plankton in my bed for a week is the best idea I have ever had. Too bad it would never work. Well I think that that is enough depressment for one night. I don't have any good words of wisdom sorry.
