Sunny Side Up
I recently rediscovered the fact that, often times, it is the things in our life that really scare us, that make us think, change, and grow the most. I think that I have been really lucky lately, because, while I have been scared a lot lately, I also got to hear some good things without the fear.
The first scary thing of the week, and it is still not over is the fact that I HAVE to find out who I am. I have never felt comfortable being by myself, or learning who I was. I alway relied on others to order me, sort me, and describe me, but due to my friend, Matt, I have started to see that people really love me for who I am. Although, I am glad that I am learning this lesson, it has been a hard one, and could have possibly lost a friendship in the process. It isn't that I don't love this friend anymore, it is just that whenever I think about what they have said about me, I get negative feelings towards myself, and while they know exactly who they are (a trait I admire), I do not want their influence on who I am. I pray that I can repair that friendship, but there is a small part of me that is saying, if it wasn't meant to be, it won't. I know that sounds depressing, but I have come to accept (a little bit) that I DON'T have to be loved by everyone, and that my friends, at least my real friends, will love me even if I don't jump up every thirty seconds to fix everything. It sounds like a dumb thing to discover, but it is a concept I still struggle with. I am grateful that I am learning that lesson now.
Another thing that has changed who I am, is Luke's post on being busy. I am definatly one of those people who is at a competion to see who is the busiest, and everytime I started to complain, I think about it again. I know who I am with is what I want to be doing, and if I am too busy, then I won't complain, but rather just to continue to order my priorities. It has also helped with my discovery that people love me even when I am not around. I used to think that if I wasn't with people, they couldn't love me, but now I see that they do. It is an amazing lesson for me to learn. Just this simple idea has let me find more time to hang out with friends, finish school work on time, and prepare the poster for AACR.
I guess the last thing that really scared me was my boyfriend and friend, Matt. Matt is really sweet, but I put him through a lot, especially with what I have been dealing with that I do not care to go into detail here about. But, he has helped me a lot, and we are both discovering how key communication is. Somehow I feel like I should have learned this lesson as a coach, but it has finally sunk in now. When we talk to other people, explain what we think, feel, or what we like, we are putting ourselves in a new position to grow, and help each other. I feel like this is so powerful. The conversation with Matt actually started as him being frustrated with me, and not knowing what to do, and ended with both of us ready to change a little bit for the better, and to look out for each other a little more. Sometimes, I wish I could have more of those conversations with people.
Finally, and I suppose it is a little scary, but the lab that I work in is going to the AACR (American Association for Cancer Research). This is an international conference dealing with new research techniques, ideas, and career/graduate work opportunities. It is really exciting, becuase we are down there this weekend, and our abstract was recently accepted to be presented, which means we have been working on it really hard, but I am still super excited, and nervous.
I guess this post is mainly as an update, that I am alive, and I miss people. I am ready to go home and see all those people that I keep talking about down here to the point that my friends just roll their eyes at me. My heart still has a place in it that longs for Eugene and what I love to do, which is smile with my sisters, sing in the rain, and smile because I have so much to be happy about.
The first scary thing of the week, and it is still not over is the fact that I HAVE to find out who I am. I have never felt comfortable being by myself, or learning who I was. I alway relied on others to order me, sort me, and describe me, but due to my friend, Matt, I have started to see that people really love me for who I am. Although, I am glad that I am learning this lesson, it has been a hard one, and could have possibly lost a friendship in the process. It isn't that I don't love this friend anymore, it is just that whenever I think about what they have said about me, I get negative feelings towards myself, and while they know exactly who they are (a trait I admire), I do not want their influence on who I am. I pray that I can repair that friendship, but there is a small part of me that is saying, if it wasn't meant to be, it won't. I know that sounds depressing, but I have come to accept (a little bit) that I DON'T have to be loved by everyone, and that my friends, at least my real friends, will love me even if I don't jump up every thirty seconds to fix everything. It sounds like a dumb thing to discover, but it is a concept I still struggle with. I am grateful that I am learning that lesson now.
Another thing that has changed who I am, is Luke's post on being busy. I am definatly one of those people who is at a competion to see who is the busiest, and everytime I started to complain, I think about it again. I know who I am with is what I want to be doing, and if I am too busy, then I won't complain, but rather just to continue to order my priorities. It has also helped with my discovery that people love me even when I am not around. I used to think that if I wasn't with people, they couldn't love me, but now I see that they do. It is an amazing lesson for me to learn. Just this simple idea has let me find more time to hang out with friends, finish school work on time, and prepare the poster for AACR.
I guess the last thing that really scared me was my boyfriend and friend, Matt. Matt is really sweet, but I put him through a lot, especially with what I have been dealing with that I do not care to go into detail here about. But, he has helped me a lot, and we are both discovering how key communication is. Somehow I feel like I should have learned this lesson as a coach, but it has finally sunk in now. When we talk to other people, explain what we think, feel, or what we like, we are putting ourselves in a new position to grow, and help each other. I feel like this is so powerful. The conversation with Matt actually started as him being frustrated with me, and not knowing what to do, and ended with both of us ready to change a little bit for the better, and to look out for each other a little more. Sometimes, I wish I could have more of those conversations with people.
Finally, and I suppose it is a little scary, but the lab that I work in is going to the AACR (American Association for Cancer Research). This is an international conference dealing with new research techniques, ideas, and career/graduate work opportunities. It is really exciting, becuase we are down there this weekend, and our abstract was recently accepted to be presented, which means we have been working on it really hard, but I am still super excited, and nervous.
I guess this post is mainly as an update, that I am alive, and I miss people. I am ready to go home and see all those people that I keep talking about down here to the point that my friends just roll their eyes at me. My heart still has a place in it that longs for Eugene and what I love to do, which is smile with my sisters, sing in the rain, and smile because I have so much to be happy about.
posted by autumn at 2:43 PM
3 comments
