Ups and downs
For the last little while, I suppose since Frisbee finished I have been in a mood of extreme ups and downs, and until tonight I think that the ups were losing quite badly to the downs...Lately I have been facing thoughts of aloneness, friendship abuse, eating disorders and plain depression. But in all this chaos I have also started to see a light at the end of the tunnel that I hadn't noticed before. Perhaps I should start at the beginning.
I don't know where it came from but suddenly I felt alone. I wasn't getting along with my mom, still not being able to comprehend how she could accuse me of such things, and I was feeling a bitter, bitter resentment towards Aubri. I was mad at almost everyone I knew. I couldn't help it. I felt like everyone was out to tell me I was wrong, that I was dumb and that I would never succeed. On top of this I felt as if my friends were slipping away. I watched as my friends had plans, that rarely included me unless a car was neccissary or they needed my brain to get a passing grade. It seemed to me that the only reason anyone would talk to me is because they knew that I would do what they did not want to do. As this feeling began to build up, my "solid" foundation that so many people think I have, began to crumble at an alarming pace. I sunk to a level of depression I had not known before. I didn't want to go home, I even spent two hours taking a nap in my car just so I wouldn't have to go home to be alone, not that it helped. This path that I was following was starting to get steeper, and my cares heavier. I found myself in an obsession to be in control. To do something, anything that would let me be in charge. At first, it was simple, sort the Band music. Yeah, dumb outlet I know. But for one blissful day it worked. I sorted 23 pieces of music with Brian's help and then went to the Choir concert. But the moment I was back in my car, alone, the feelings returned. I tried to think of what I could do, what I could keep in control of at all times, but nothing came to mind. As I stared at the mirror that night I started to formulate the plan that came to my head. I wasn't happy with who I was, or how I looked. By taking control of eating, I could take control of two aspects of my life with one hit. That started the week of no lunch, no snacks and very small breakfasts and dinners.
As I slowly began freaking myself out with the whole food thing, I resorted to thinking about my problems. I didn't sit in a class long enough to think of the subject, only the question of "what's wrong with me?" The only answer came in the form of "a lot." When I look now to what was bothering me it seems clear. I am afraid of change. I'm not ready to face graduation in a year, or figure out where the next four years of my life are going to be. I don't want to change my routine of getting mad at one parent and turning to the other for advise, but I have to change all of that. Frightened by the truth, I gave up...until tonight.
Going to meet Kari in the school parking lot was crazy. It was late and on the wrong side of town but I went, in the craziest outfit. A pair of dirty, broken jeans, a country skirt, and a soccer shirt layered on top of a brown long sleeve, left me feeling crazy, but strangly comfortable. As I pulled into the parking lot, Kari was on the phone, giving me a wave I knew that I would have to wait. I climbed on top of the hood of my car, and decided to do what I had been craving to do for weeks. I leaned back and stared at the stars. As I watched those twinkling balls of light, thousands of light years away, framed by stringy clouds I had a sensation come over me that helped me lift my self up off of my path of personal destruction. I felt beautiful. It sounds crazy, and it sounds dumb, but the truth is that it saved me. I knew, without a doubt in my mind that it was okay for me to be a little weird. I was beautiful becuase of who I chose to be. I was the person that called people to apologize because they felt guilty, I was the one who would help people--whenever. I knew that people could count on me and I knew that no matter what, I was exactly who I chose to be and that no one, especially God, would want me to be anyone else.
So I guess I should say in closing, find the beauty in yourself. Share it with others, share it with me. Never let go of who you are and speak, scream, whisper or just talk through your problems. I am hear, He is hear and everyone else is here, near and far. They are the beauty waiting for you too.
I don't know where it came from but suddenly I felt alone. I wasn't getting along with my mom, still not being able to comprehend how she could accuse me of such things, and I was feeling a bitter, bitter resentment towards Aubri. I was mad at almost everyone I knew. I couldn't help it. I felt like everyone was out to tell me I was wrong, that I was dumb and that I would never succeed. On top of this I felt as if my friends were slipping away. I watched as my friends had plans, that rarely included me unless a car was neccissary or they needed my brain to get a passing grade. It seemed to me that the only reason anyone would talk to me is because they knew that I would do what they did not want to do. As this feeling began to build up, my "solid" foundation that so many people think I have, began to crumble at an alarming pace. I sunk to a level of depression I had not known before. I didn't want to go home, I even spent two hours taking a nap in my car just so I wouldn't have to go home to be alone, not that it helped. This path that I was following was starting to get steeper, and my cares heavier. I found myself in an obsession to be in control. To do something, anything that would let me be in charge. At first, it was simple, sort the Band music. Yeah, dumb outlet I know. But for one blissful day it worked. I sorted 23 pieces of music with Brian's help and then went to the Choir concert. But the moment I was back in my car, alone, the feelings returned. I tried to think of what I could do, what I could keep in control of at all times, but nothing came to mind. As I stared at the mirror that night I started to formulate the plan that came to my head. I wasn't happy with who I was, or how I looked. By taking control of eating, I could take control of two aspects of my life with one hit. That started the week of no lunch, no snacks and very small breakfasts and dinners.
As I slowly began freaking myself out with the whole food thing, I resorted to thinking about my problems. I didn't sit in a class long enough to think of the subject, only the question of "what's wrong with me?" The only answer came in the form of "a lot." When I look now to what was bothering me it seems clear. I am afraid of change. I'm not ready to face graduation in a year, or figure out where the next four years of my life are going to be. I don't want to change my routine of getting mad at one parent and turning to the other for advise, but I have to change all of that. Frightened by the truth, I gave up...until tonight.
Going to meet Kari in the school parking lot was crazy. It was late and on the wrong side of town but I went, in the craziest outfit. A pair of dirty, broken jeans, a country skirt, and a soccer shirt layered on top of a brown long sleeve, left me feeling crazy, but strangly comfortable. As I pulled into the parking lot, Kari was on the phone, giving me a wave I knew that I would have to wait. I climbed on top of the hood of my car, and decided to do what I had been craving to do for weeks. I leaned back and stared at the stars. As I watched those twinkling balls of light, thousands of light years away, framed by stringy clouds I had a sensation come over me that helped me lift my self up off of my path of personal destruction. I felt beautiful. It sounds crazy, and it sounds dumb, but the truth is that it saved me. I knew, without a doubt in my mind that it was okay for me to be a little weird. I was beautiful becuase of who I chose to be. I was the person that called people to apologize because they felt guilty, I was the one who would help people--whenever. I knew that people could count on me and I knew that no matter what, I was exactly who I chose to be and that no one, especially God, would want me to be anyone else.
So I guess I should say in closing, find the beauty in yourself. Share it with others, share it with me. Never let go of who you are and speak, scream, whisper or just talk through your problems. I am hear, He is hear and everyone else is here, near and far. They are the beauty waiting for you too.
posted by autumn at 12:16 AM
3 comments
