For the Record.

Just saying that my blog site for the next six months will be autumnyargentina.wordpress.com Please enjoy if you want.

Study Abroad

Just a quick update to say that I am a. dying for spring break. Only one more week! and b. I am going to Argentina for study abroad for next semester. It is super scary, but Peter St. George's blog is very inspiring.

Rollarcoaster

I don't know where I am at right now. I know that sounds strange. Obviously, I am in Southern California, but I feel as if I have left some parts of myself elsewhere and I am doing an awful job of keeping those in control. Maybe I should start with a general summary...
I have been working really hard this semester and, most of the time, I don't feel like is has been paying off. I am taking seven classes (Organic chemistry II, Introduction to Ballroom, In Search of Universal Geometry, Physics II, Spanish 202, Advanced Swing Dancing, and Immunology). I don't really like my classes. I don't dance well, and having criticism doled out to me at nine am twice a week isn't my idea of fun. I like Organic chemistry, which is odd, on many levels, odd. It is a lot of work, and I don't feel like I am doing well (76 on my first test, avg. 68). But, I still find the class interesting. I am not a huge fan of Universal Geometry. It just isn't interesting. Physics...how to describe physics? I don't understand anything in the class, yet I got a 90% and then a 95% on my two quizzes. Swing dancing is fun, but I feel as if I am stuck at a plateau. Immunology is good, but long. Two and a half hours once a week, I just don't have that long of a time span, but somehow I managed to get a 98% on my first test. Spanish is good, but difficult, I already have 5 hours of class or work straight before this class, so I am just dead. All of my fellow classmates think the subject matter is stupid and I am not doing as well as I would like in the class (85%, and 90% on my first two tests, respectively). That is daily commitments for class that are starting to bog me down; but then there is more. I have research to do, about five hours a week, and I just don't know when to fit it in. The more I talk to my roommate, the more I question whether I am doing something I really love. But I can't think about that either, because I have two jobs. I work 8.5 hours a week at a local high school "tutoring" which roughly translates to "babysitter." Then I work about 8.5 hours a week at Chapman's Center for Academic Success where I tutor general chemistry and general biology. I must admit that I like the extra money, but it is very tiring. And that is just school.
Outside of school, I don't know what is going on. I think I left my heart with a boy in Oregon, not knowing completely where I stood with him. I was doing fine with this, until yesterday. I don't know what it is. I truly care about him, but I know that it is hard to have any sort of relationship when you live 1,000 miles away from each other. It just doesn't seem fair. I know that I have gone out of my way for two out of the three boys that I have been seriously interested in, and it is hard to have that consideration and kindness not returned. I just feel so alone. It sounds crazy, for I do have friends, but many of them are too lazy to visit me, and the others think that I am shallow. Which, as much as I wish I was making this up, is what they have told me to my face. It hurts but I am getting used to it.
I guess I just feel lost, and hence, depressed lately. I really want to go out with my friends, and just have a chance to smile and laugh. I wish I hadn't given up sweets, tater tots and french fries for lent, so I can't even eat my sorrows away.
Not all is bad, however. My friends are throwing a fake Prom, which I am excited about. I even got a new dress. My roommate bought it for me as a gift because it was on sale and she thought it looked good on me. She is so amazing, and I keep on trying to think of ways to repay her. She sat up with me for two hours last night as I cried in confusion. I just don't know. I know I can do well in school, and work, and that I will survive all these trials, but sometimes, it just seems like the weight is gonna crush me. But I will be the little engine that could. "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can..."

What I Have Learned

I was thinking about the fact that you supposedly learn something from each person you date or have a semi-romantic relationship with. This got me thinking about my own relationships and what people taught me...
Joseph: That it is ok to have confrontation. I don't always have to be passive, if I want something, all I have to do is speak up.
Matt: To live in the moment. We can't change the past, nor can we predict or make the future by worrying about it. Learn to live right here, right now, and do so with your whole heart.
Patrick: That there is such a thing as a comfortable silence, and when you can find someone who can give you that, then you have found someone to keep around for a long time.
So, I guess this is just a public thank you, for making me a better person and helping me grow. Thanks.

Back in Sunny California

It seems that Jay and I are having similar feelings. It is so easy to get from one place to another anymore. Barely even a day to reach the oppisite side of this world, yet when we walk away from where we are, and where we know we are loved we face many more problems and challenges, and sometimes we feel like they are too much and too strong for what we can stand. I feel like those challenges are knocking me down right now.
Coming to Orange County for school has been a good and difficult thing. I have been given so many opportunities because I have decided to come to this school. I have done research and their is a chance I will be published in three papers this year. I have found a way to love myself, and to live without too many materialistic things, yet I find myself dying to get home. I feel sucked into this pit of trying to look right and act right all the time. I am tired of the drama of being the center of attention because I am not the blond and beautiful girl, I am just me, and due to that, I am often overlooked until I am too hurt to do anything but snap. I can't get mad here, even at my closest friends, for as soon as I do I am told that I am a bad person. I wish I was making this up, but I have been yelled at three times this week because I am fed up with people, and because I am sick. I just have to keep reminding myself that I am here for a reason, and that I will be home soon-ish.
Looking back at home, in Eugene, I finally see what I have. No, I don't get along with everyone all the time, and yes, I can be a huge jerk, but I am allowed to express myself, and, even if it isn't true, I feel as if people care about me and like me as a person. If I am ranting about my family, having a heart to heart with a friend that I am upset with, or singing a pop song in a nice restaurant, I always feel like people have my back. Maybe that is Eugene, maybe it is the people who live there, but whatever it is, I can't wait to get back!
I am gonna make it through this semester. I have a ton of stuff to keep me going, and hopefully another job (but I don't find out til Wednesday) I am strong enough, and I can do this. Sometimes, though, I just need those people at home to listen to me rant and tell me that I am not a jerk, even if it is true.
I can't wait to get home.

Inspiration

After reading everyone elses blogs, I felt that I should write my own.
I have often struggled being happy in the past. I need to be surrounded by people, but through this summer and this school year I have found a way to enjoy the time I have with myself. This time, I have slowly begun to realize, reminds me of the things bigger than myself, and it also lets me really understand where I am going with my studies. It sounds very self centered, but I love the quiet and peace I get. My roommate and I have found a way to bond weekly (we read postsecret on Sunday together. Thanks Aubs)
The other interesting thing about being back in California is that I am finally starting to appreciate my family. It sounds silly, for it to take so long to notice and deeply care for the people who have always been there for you, but I have just found this deep feeling and I am so grateful.
Other than that, classes are good. I love my bioethics class, and, as crazy as it sounds, Organic Chemistry class. I have two jobs, and both of them are going splendidly. Once I finally heal from my ankle sprain at sectionals, I can start playing disc again. But until then, I will continue to reflect, and think of the people who have helped me and define me in my life. Love to all those who fit that category, and love to all those who will.

"What is love? Baby, don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more."

It seems an interesting topic to let one write about. The love and compassion we show for other human beings. How a single person can bring tears to our eyes through the simplest things of an instant messaging conversation. To the pain we feel when a loved one has made a choice we wish they hadn't. I guess I worry to much, I give too much. At least, that is what it feels like sometimes. I have come home to a place I love, not for my own home, but for the people who I have included in my own living breathing home, to find that there are more holes and misplaced items in my home than I could ever imagine. I watch as people drift in and out of their own changes. I watch as many of my morale and upstanding friends choose to drink all the time. I worry as I watch two of them make choices that I know will lead down a dangerous path, and pray that someone who they care about and respect, turns them into someone that I can again see as the bright, beautiful, and fun people they are. I watch as different parts of my living home break down to need repair. It seems like every time I answer the phone I will get another call about an illness, a problem, or a mystery. I don't like it. I don't think people realize how they have let themselves go, how they have abandoned who they really are, and how they have sunk to a level that they do not hold esteem of anyone any more.
I stare at this living house here, only to be reminded of the one at college. We stake out on different paths, and find ourselves in new places, and it is scary. I find that my door no longer locks, acting as if it no longer cares whether I am safe, warm, or happy. My windows have no glass and only catch the hollow breezes, the ones that people never expect to see. Everything else is left in clutters and shadows, off to inhabit a different residence, leaving me to worry and fix my own house.
What am I to do? The same thing I always do. Things fix themselves with love, and hope. I know I have enough of both, and I will see the day when I smile brightly because of both. I did not make my house of glass, and I will keep the faith that both my houses will not only find their own repairs, but grow in strength and beauty. Love always shapes things to be beautiful.