Thoughts and ideas...

Hmm, what a long day. I can't believe how everything has passed, mostly in a haze at that. I feel a little outside of my body today. I watch from this edge, begging to be pulled in yet pulled back. I have seen so much today, this week, this month this year. I guess most of you (if anyone reads this) know most of my life stories. I feel drug out, like my life is not how it is or should be. Most days I want to quit, really quit. No more frisbee, no more middle schoolers, no more science, math, econ or band. No more anything. I feel as if I were to fall into the clouds I would finally feel the peace surrounding my harsh exterior. I feel lost in this crazy sea.
Not to mention I miss my Dad. A lot. There are times that I feel like he is right there, encouraging, yet bitter at my lack of intelligent competition (too bad he didn't meet all the frisbee guys, pure genius if you ask me) I feel his gentle touch near at hand and I know that I can't ever forget him. I listen to songs that I used to love, used to sing in imaginary scenes of my mind, crying because I can't hold him. There are even those nights were I can't go to sleep, the image of his peaceful body laid in his coffin. Gone, never again. But he went peacefully, right? So why aren't I at peace? I dance of a thin blade, pleading for a gift a sign. Lost, ohh so lost.
Not all is lost however. I find that I do have friends, however far in between they may be. I know I have a supporting arm, if I were ever to be desperate and need to cling to someone else. I know that if I ever lose my composure that hides my inner weakness, I will survive, even if I am embarrassed. I also am somewhat comforted by the fact that Aubri continues to light upon a new destiny and place on the CHS frisbee team. She has worked so hard and landed with a gentle touch as the number one woman in Oregon if not the West Coast. I know most people disbelieve me as I type this. I know that I am often thought of as the best woman but that is not the truth. Collin has seen that, I believe Andrew is in denial, and Daniel won't let himself admit it because he is just too nice. Aubri is so amazing and her potential carries through everywhere. Where I break at the seems, she takes harder classes, more extra things and less hours of sleep and does better. I know I sound happy for her, but deep down, I am super jealous. She is awesome.
I guess this is kind of a long post. But I must committ what I feel to words. I must promise myself that I will think more positive, quit bragging and leave myself written reminders that while I feel like I am being sucked down a cyclone right now that the eye of the storm is the safest. Not only that but if I trust in my faith and friends I will be delieved in the end. I might be a bit more bruised and scratched, but I will be okay. Well better go.
Autumn