Dare to...

For the Record.

2009-07-11T07:41:00.000-07:00

Just saying that my blog site for the next six months will be autumnyargentina.wordpress.com Please enjoy if you want.

Study Abroad

2009-03-25T18:54:00.000-07:00

Just a quick update to say that I am a. dying for spring break. Only one more week! and b. I am going to Argentina for study abroad for next semester. It is super scary, but Peter St. George's blog is very inspiring.

Rollarcoaster

2009-03-11T17:56:00.000-07:00

I don't know where I am at right now. I know that sounds strange. Obviously, I am in Southern California, but I feel as if I have left some parts of myself elsewhere and I am doing an awful job of keeping those in control. Maybe I should start with a general summary...
I have been working really hard this semester and, most of the time, I don't feel like is has been paying off. I am taking seven classes (Organic chemistry II, Introduction to Ballroom, In Search of Universal Geometry, Physics II, Spanish 202, Advanced Swing Dancing, and Immunology). I don't really like my classes. I don't dance well, and having criticism doled out to me at nine am twice a week isn't my idea of fun. I like Organic chemistry, which is odd, on many levels, odd. It is a lot of work, and I don't feel like I am doing well (76 on my first test, avg. 68). But, I still find the class interesting. I am not a huge fan of Universal Geometry. It just isn't interesting. Physics...how to describe physics? I don't understand anything in the class, yet I got a 90% and then a 95% on my two quizzes. Swing dancing is fun, but I feel as if I am stuck at a plateau. Immunology is good, but long. Two and a half hours once a week, I just don't have that long of a time span, but somehow I managed to get a 98% on my first test. Spanish is good, but difficult, I already have 5 hours of class or work straight before this class, so I am just dead. All of my fellow classmates think the subject matter is stupid and I am not doing as well as I would like in the class (85%, and 90% on my first two tests, respectively). That is daily commitments for class that are starting to bog me down; but then there is more. I have research to do, about five hours a week, and I just don't know when to fit it in. The more I talk to my roommate, the more I question whether I am doing something I really love. But I can't think about that either, because I have two jobs. I work 8.5 hours a week at a local high school "tutoring" which roughly translates to "babysitter." Then I work about 8.5 hours a week at Chapman's Center for Academic Success where I tutor general chemistry and general biology. I must admit that I like the extra money, but it is very tiring. And that is just school.
Outside of school, I don't know what is going on. I think I left my heart with a boy in Oregon, not knowing completely where I stood with him. I was doing fine with this, until yesterday. I don't know what it is. I truly care about him, but I know that it is hard to have any sort of relationship when you live 1,000 miles away from each other. It just doesn't seem fair. I know that I have gone out of my way for two out of the three boys that I have been seriously interested in, and it is hard to have that consideration and kindness not returned. I just feel so alone. It sounds crazy, for I do have friends, but many of them are too lazy to visit me, and the others think that I am shallow. Which, as much as I wish I was making this up, is what they have told me to my face. It hurts but I am getting used to it.
I guess I just feel lost, and hence, depressed lately. I really want to go out with my friends, and just have a chance to smile and laugh. I wish I hadn't given up sweets, tater tots and french fries for lent, so I can't even eat my sorrows away.
Not all is bad, however. My friends are throwing a fake Prom, which I am excited about. I even got a new dress. My roommate bought it for me as a gift because it was on sale and she thought it looked good on me. She is so amazing, and I keep on trying to think of ways to repay her. She sat up with me for two hours last night as I cried in confusion. I just don't know. I know I can do well in school, and work, and that I will survive all these trials, but sometimes, it just seems like the weight is gonna crush me. But I will be the little engine that could. "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can..."

What I Have Learned

2009-01-27T07:17:00.000-08:00

I was thinking about the fact that you supposedly learn something from each person you date or have a semi-romantic relationship with. This got me thinking about my own relationships and what people taught me...
Joseph: That it is ok to have confrontation. I don't always have to be passive, if I want something, all I have to do is speak up.
Matt: To live in the moment. We can't change the past, nor can we predict or make the future by worrying about it. Learn to live right here, right now, and do so with your whole heart.
Patrick: That there is such a thing as a comfortable silence, and when you can find someone who can give you that, then you have found someone to keep around for a long time.
So, I guess this is just a public thank you, for making me a better person and helping me grow. Thanks.

Back in Sunny California

2009-01-17T23:02:00.000-08:00

It seems that Jay and I are having similar feelings. It is so easy to get from one place to another anymore. Barely even a day to reach the oppisite side of this world, yet when we walk away from where we are, and where we know we are loved we face many more problems and challenges, and sometimes we feel like they are too much and too strong for what we can stand. I feel like those challenges are knocking me down right now.
Coming to Orange County for school has been a good and difficult thing. I have been given so many opportunities because I have decided to come to this school. I have done research and their is a chance I will be published in three papers this year. I have found a way to love myself, and to live without too many materialistic things, yet I find myself dying to get home. I feel sucked into this pit of trying to look right and act right all the time. I am tired of the drama of being the center of attention because I am not the blond and beautiful girl, I am just me, and due to that, I am often overlooked until I am too hurt to do anything but snap. I can't get mad here, even at my closest friends, for as soon as I do I am told that I am a bad person. I wish I was making this up, but I have been yelled at three times this week because I am fed up with people, and because I am sick. I just have to keep reminding myself that I am here for a reason, and that I will be home soon-ish.
Looking back at home, in Eugene, I finally see what I have. No, I don't get along with everyone all the time, and yes, I can be a huge jerk, but I am allowed to express myself, and, even if it isn't true, I feel as if people care about me and like me as a person. If I am ranting about my family, having a heart to heart with a friend that I am upset with, or singing a pop song in a nice restaurant, I always feel like people have my back. Maybe that is Eugene, maybe it is the people who live there, but whatever it is, I can't wait to get back!
I am gonna make it through this semester. I have a ton of stuff to keep me going, and hopefully another job (but I don't find out til Wednesday) I am strong enough, and I can do this. Sometimes, though, I just need those people at home to listen to me rant and tell me that I am not a jerk, even if it is true.
I can't wait to get home.

Inspiration

2008-09-24T22:45:00.000-07:00

After reading everyone elses blogs, I felt that I should write my own.
I have often struggled being happy in the past. I need to be surrounded by people, but through this summer and this school year I have found a way to enjoy the time I have with myself. This time, I have slowly begun to realize, reminds me of the things bigger than myself, and it also lets me really understand where I am going with my studies. It sounds very self centered, but I love the quiet and peace I get. My roommate and I have found a way to bond weekly (we read postsecret on Sunday together. Thanks Aubs)
The other interesting thing about being back in California is that I am finally starting to appreciate my family. It sounds silly, for it to take so long to notice and deeply care for the people who have always been there for you, but I have just found this deep feeling and I am so grateful.
Other than that, classes are good. I love my bioethics class, and, as crazy as it sounds, Organic Chemistry class. I have two jobs, and both of them are going splendidly. Once I finally heal from my ankle sprain at sectionals, I can start playing disc again. But until then, I will continue to reflect, and think of the people who have helped me and define me in my life. Love to all those who fit that category, and love to all those who will.

"What is love? Baby, don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more."

2008-05-26T21:00:00.001-07:00

It seems an interesting topic to let one write about. The love and compassion we show for other human beings. How a single person can bring tears to our eyes through the simplest things of an instant messaging conversation. To the pain we feel when a loved one has made a choice we wish they hadn't. I guess I worry to much, I give too much. At least, that is what it feels like sometimes. I have come home to a place I love, not for my own home, but for the people who I have included in my own living breathing home, to find that there are more holes and misplaced items in my home than I could ever imagine. I watch as people drift in and out of their own changes. I watch as many of my morale and upstanding friends choose to drink all the time. I worry as I watch two of them make choices that I know will lead down a dangerous path, and pray that someone who they care about and respect, turns them into someone that I can again see as the bright, beautiful, and fun people they are. I watch as different parts of my living home break down to need repair. It seems like every time I answer the phone I will get another call about an illness, a problem, or a mystery. I don't like it. I don't think people realize how they have let themselves go, how they have abandoned who they really are, and how they have sunk to a level that they do not hold esteem of anyone any more.
I stare at this living house here, only to be reminded of the one at college. We stake out on different paths, and find ourselves in new places, and it is scary. I find that my door no longer locks, acting as if it no longer cares whether I am safe, warm, or happy. My windows have no glass and only catch the hollow breezes, the ones that people never expect to see. Everything else is left in clutters and shadows, off to inhabit a different residence, leaving me to worry and fix my own house.
What am I to do? The same thing I always do. Things fix themselves with love, and hope. I know I have enough of both, and I will see the day when I smile brightly because of both. I did not make my house of glass, and I will keep the faith that both my houses will not only find their own repairs, but grow in strength and beauty. Love always shapes things to be beautiful.

With the End in Sight

2008-05-08T08:16:00.000-07:00

With finals just around the corner, and having to take more time than ever to sit down and concentrate on what I need to be doing to understand everything and walk out of my first year of college with a GPA that I consider acceptable, I seem to spend a lot of time not studying. The changes that have occured this semester have thrown me into a loop of confusion and stability. I feel that sometimes all I am is lost at the head of the storm. I feel yanked and pulled in every direction imaginable, yet I am not centered, balanced, or following my own heart. I have spent time being on medication, changing my diet, and finding alternative ways to "fix" me. Yet, as I often sit back and look at the things around me, I realize how miniscule all of it is. Given, this semester has been a huge test on who I am and where I am headed, but nevertheless, I find myself pushing through, wanting to discover who I am and where I am going. I don't need to be told what other people think, or what I should do. I find myself looking around and noticing the uniqueness of every person I know, and part of me is torn inside because of this uniqueness, for with a crystal look into the future, that I manage to glimps rather infrequently, I see that the ties that make us unique will slowly wrap themselves around people that are similar to ourselves. We will find ourselves in search of that level of comfort where we can always be ourselves, in the simplest terms of not having to speak less of what makes us. I don't suppose this makes any sense to anyone but me, but it is like a dull knife has already added a severe in the ropes that hold me to some people. Some of those ropes are held only by a tread, and they are the ones I have to see if I want to mend, stay still, or pull harder. It sounds awful, but I know who I will pull away from and why. It isn't always the people that think I am pulling away either. I guess, what I am trying to say, that with the end in sight, things feel like they are changing more than when I felt like all I could see was the beginning.

Sunny Side Up

2008-04-08T14:43:00.000-07:00

I recently rediscovered the fact that, often times, it is the things in our life that really scare us, that make us think, change, and grow the most. I think that I have been really lucky lately, because, while I have been scared a lot lately, I also got to hear some good things without the fear.
The first scary thing of the week, and it is still not over is the fact that I HAVE to find out who I am. I have never felt comfortable being by myself, or learning who I was. I alway relied on others to order me, sort me, and describe me, but due to my friend, Matt, I have started to see that people really love me for who I am. Although, I am glad that I am learning this lesson, it has been a hard one, and could have possibly lost a friendship in the process. It isn't that I don't love this friend anymore, it is just that whenever I think about what they have said about me, I get negative feelings towards myself, and while they know exactly who they are (a trait I admire), I do not want their influence on who I am. I pray that I can repair that friendship, but there is a small part of me that is saying, if it wasn't meant to be, it won't. I know that sounds depressing, but I have come to accept (a little bit) that I DON'T have to be loved by everyone, and that my friends, at least my real friends, will love me even if I don't jump up every thirty seconds to fix everything. It sounds like a dumb thing to discover, but it is a concept I still struggle with. I am grateful that I am learning that lesson now.
Another thing that has changed who I am, is Luke's post on being busy. I am definatly one of those people who is at a competion to see who is the busiest, and everytime I started to complain, I think about it again. I know who I am with is what I want to be doing, and if I am too busy, then I won't complain, but rather just to continue to order my priorities. It has also helped with my discovery that people love me even when I am not around. I used to think that if I wasn't with people, they couldn't love me, but now I see that they do. It is an amazing lesson for me to learn. Just this simple idea has let me find more time to hang out with friends, finish school work on time, and prepare the poster for AACR.
I guess the last thing that really scared me was my boyfriend and friend, Matt. Matt is really sweet, but I put him through a lot, especially with what I have been dealing with that I do not care to go into detail here about. But, he has helped me a lot, and we are both discovering how key communication is. Somehow I feel like I should have learned this lesson as a coach, but it has finally sunk in now. When we talk to other people, explain what we think, feel, or what we like, we are putting ourselves in a new position to grow, and help each other. I feel like this is so powerful. The conversation with Matt actually started as him being frustrated with me, and not knowing what to do, and ended with both of us ready to change a little bit for the better, and to look out for each other a little more. Sometimes, I wish I could have more of those conversations with people.
Finally, and I suppose it is a little scary, but the lab that I work in is going to the AACR (American Association for Cancer Research). This is an international conference dealing with new research techniques, ideas, and career/graduate work opportunities. It is really exciting, becuase we are down there this weekend, and our abstract was recently accepted to be presented, which means we have been working on it really hard, but I am still super excited, and nervous.
I guess this post is mainly as an update, that I am alive, and I miss people. I am ready to go home and see all those people that I keep talking about down here to the point that my friends just roll their eyes at me. My heart still has a place in it that longs for Eugene and what I love to do, which is smile with my sisters, sing in the rain, and smile because I have so much to be happy about.

Just Dealing

2008-03-01T20:28:00.000-08:00

I guess you could say that I have never dealt with things in my life well. When the stress has gotten too strong, I just throw something more on my plate, making it so that the balance is just more out of control. I suppose that one day I will learn this careful balance of stress and life. Or perhaps, I have already begun.
The beginning of this semester took a huge toll on me, mentally, physically and emotionally. It has been a hard time of the year for me, seeing as it reminds me of my dad, but to add on three extra extracurriculars, and a full eighteen credit load, plus working in the lab...I realized, after having a headache everyday of the semester, that I just could not do it. I was pushing myself too hard, and was even finding myself hoping to injure myself so I wouldn't feel guilty skipping frisbee. So when all of this hit me, and I just couldn't handle it, I took a break.
So where am I now? Finding myself in a happier place, as I took away a class, and have just a little more time to go to disneyland, and love the people around me. I am back to doing the things I love, and have started to realize that while I care about others, I can't worry about the things I cannot change. Perhaps this isn't revolutionary to anyone else, but it has set my mind at ease, and has made me happier. Anyways, I am going to go enjoy a little more free time, but I love you all, and keep smiling, things will get better. In the words of Aubri "*Muah*"

Going With The Trend...

2008-02-02T00:18:00.000-08:00

Perhaps the fact is that all of us who are alone for Valentine's Day are beginning to get a little bit of the blues on a day that is supposed to be filled with love and caring, or perhaps it is more. I don't know anymore. I find myself looking deeply at the person I am right now. I don't enjoy the classes I am required to attend right now, and lie to myself, telling myself that I will love my chemistry class just to make it through. It isn't easy. I feel like there is a void defining who I am at the moment.
I know that I blame my Dad's death as the main reason that I can't handle things, but I am starting to see the light. I can't handle things for a lot of reasons, poor self-esteem, my dad's death, sugar, and the inability to prioritize for myself are at the top of that list. I don't really look out for myself. Not that anyone is surprised by this realization, but unfortunetley for me, this realization came at a painful time for me.
I have had an interesting past couple of weeks. I have been incredibly happy, yet I know that I am completely crushed at the same time. Maybe I should start with the most recent, yet distant, occurance. I found the Valentine that one of my friends gave me last year. It was sweet, kind, and made me start thinking. What was I to this person? Did they ever think of me as more than a friend? I am so curious, yet I crave for what I had with this person, despite the three months of "faking it." I want that back, and I feel like that person is drifting farther and farther away.
I guess now I am going into the more recent thing. I had to choose the other day, a choice of making me happy or going with the safe road. I choose the safe road, and then, after being depressed for a day, I decided that, for once in my life, I was going to make me happy. And, when I finally choose for me, what happened? I got denied, not in a harsh way, but still it hurts to be rejected. I finally chased after something I want and then they choose the safe road. I guess I just wonder if making me happy is ever going to fit into my life, or anyone else's.
I am so grateful for my friends here, as I have always been, but there are days that I just wish that, just once, that some one would come hold me, tell me that I am beautiful, and put something aside for me. I want to be held and protected, yet I realize the truth. Friends forever, "to love each other, but not be in love," "maybe they're supposed to be there." All phrases I live by, perhaps one day they will match more than just my heart.
Love to my friends, love to myself, and, perhaps, love from the one I care so deeply about.

Two Parts

2007-12-29T12:39:00.000-08:00

I don't know how I feel about this coming back idea. I have to say that I did not want to go when I was down in California, but then I got on the plane and I couldn't contain my excitement. I got to see some of, whom I considered, my best friends, people I assumed could never be replaced. And while I was sad to be leaving my college friends, I realized that they were all excited to see their own families and nothing bad would happen. What a difference from reality.
Getting in to the Eugene airport I was met by my mother and my friend, Ben. It was great seeing him, but the joy was soon short lived. Instead of going home, I went with Ben to hang out. It was a tiring experience, as things had not changed since I left, and many of the things that had not changed were the things I was so ready to be away from in the beginning. I just wanted to go home. When I got home I found even more hadn't changed, my sister still hangs on me and my mom is still obsessed with her husband. There is still a divide in my family as to who has the most importance and it wasn't long before I was being requested as taxi and family counslor. I was tired of it before it even began.
As I saw more and more people, my feelings were shaken. I loved seeing my "sisters," something I had been dreding because we had not gotten along very well towards the end of my senior year, and the added addition of meeting one of my "sister's" fiancee did not help my feelings. I felt as if everything were spinning out of control. And it still is.
As break progressed, I found myself in the reverse of my earlier feelings. All I wanted to do was talk to my friends from college, the ones that I enjoyed who I was around. I spent hours on the phone and stayed up til the wee hours of the morning just to IM with my friends. I want to be back and I am ready to leave this life behind, not becuase it is bad, but because it is part of my past, and not my present. I now desire, like you would not believe, wishing that I was back at school with all my college friends, just hanging out in Club 233. Unfortunetly, my desire to be back has caused me to be a jerk. I want to go back so bad, I want to start packing right now. I am in trouble becuase I do not want to socilize with my friends nor family.
Perhaps all of these feelings will just disappear, and perhaps I will stop being a jerk, but I don't see either of these happening until I am back at school. I love my past, but I realize that I am ready to meet my present and future.

Three Months

2007-11-21T16:04:00.000-08:00

It has been three months since I have seen any one I have known...well technically I saw my little sister this morning, but other than that...
I don't know how I feel about being gone from everyone I know. It has been the hardest thing in the world for me, yet, at the same time, it has been the easiest. I fit into my own mold and model and people love me for it. I realized that being away has shown me who will always be there for me, and who I should think of mainly as a high school memory. I am not bitter about this anymore. We all walk different roads. My college friends will not meet my high school friends, with a few exceptions, and my high school friends will not know the details of my life anymore. I think I have grown, and that excites me. I love life and I love the people in it, both past, present and future.

Realizations

2007-10-13T21:14:00.000-07:00

I have been avoiding my homework for the entire day through a variety of methods. There was frisbee this morning which taught me that bidding in a sports bra on turf hurts your stomach and then there was movies that I was watching off line. First it was 10 Things I Hate About You. A quick break for the update on the OSU vs. Cal game and then I was trying to think up another movie I wanted to watch. As I did so I was brought back to a conversation I had with a friend back in May.
Back in May I was kind of freaking out, I think we all were. Part of me was ready to get away from everything that I had ever known in Eugene. I was dying to get away from a family I felt didn't love me, friends who were using me and a place were I felt I would never be considered beautiful. I wanted, desperatly to start my life in California and never worry about returning. During the summer I found a lot of my first--boyfriend, kiss, alcholic party, alcholic beverage, job and trip to Minnisota. In such a brief amount of time I tried to run from everything without going anywhere. And in running, I did find some good things. But then it was time to go to college and I suddenly realized that I didn't want to leave.
The first three weeks down in California were awful. I didn't have any friends, people I trusted hurt me, and some of the only people who I wanted to talk to were halfway around the world. I was lost. I tried to make myself feel better by calling people at home, and then the change happened. I hung up the phone.
I suppose that I can't explain every change I have been through when I left. I was rebelious and just wanted to be noticed. I wanted to get away. Looking back, some of who I am was illuminated for me. I found out that people can consider me beautiful and I can take them seriously. I found out that my friends back home, even when I get mad, frustrated or hurt by them, really do love me more than I give them credit for. But down here, I think I learned even more.
When I left Oregon, I swore that I would try new things, get rid of frisbee from my life and just be an outgoing, likable person. That image was soon shattered. I found myself without friends, one of my biggest fears, afraid to step outside of my box and missing frisbee more than I thought was possible. I called people, but it only made me feel worse, and then something clinked.
My friend, Vanessa, invited me to go Swing dancing. I said no. How could I? I didn't know how, and I didn't want to make a fool of myself, maybe when I am in real life I will learn how to dance. Then it dawned on me, if I didn't do this now, I never would. I can say that I am still not very good at dancing, but now I go twice a week and love it. I also learned to love frisbee again.
I know that probably sounds stupid, to relearn how to love something, but I had to realize that I can't let others dictate what I like or don't like to do. Plus, since I learned this new love, I am playing with an awesome groups of guys.
Finally my biggest fear--No friends. I kind of wish that I could say that I am super popular, that everyone loves me and I am getting asked out all the time, but that's a lie, but I also think I am okay with that. I have some friends down here and while I don't have quantity I do have quality, which I am beginning to see is more important. I don't call people very often. I have realized that if the feeling is mutral, they will call me too. I am ok with not having people around all the time. It lets me thing and figure out who I am, like deciding not to drink down here. I have seen it, and it doesn't interest me. I see what people are like and it isn't me.
I suppose that in college you are supposed to "find your husband" and happiness, and I have found one of those things--happiness. I don't feel incomplete or unloved down here. Yes, I feel bored and lonely every now and then, but I also feel like I am growing. Down here I am learning to smile more, be a little more outgoing, look like a fool and just love life and everything around me for what it is, because really it is just life.

Life...

2007-10-08T19:49:00.001-07:00

I don't know what switch has been turned on or off in my brain but it is making some funny adjustments ever since I have moved to California. Somedays the reactions don't even come up to my consious but other days they sit right there on the forefront. I guess it depends on the day. My dreams have become more vivid, my realization of reality slower and I find myself slipping into a new life and persona that I don't mind. I feel myself fading fast from my life in Eugene and I no longer feel like throwing up ropes into midair with no respone, yet I am okay with that. California is very different. No recycling, no multi-racial culture, and yet. I don't know. My ideas and reflections from my dreams and my life are too private to put here. They are really that deep and it seems that the two people that I want to discuss these ideas with are 5000 miles away or might as well be. I don't know. One day, I will figure it all out, but until then I think that I will just enjoy the ride, and try to "REALLY" smile.

And so it goes...

2007-09-18T23:12:00.000-07:00

School down here has kept on going and meeting people has become easier. I have made enough friends that I no longer eat meals alone (except breakfast but that has more to do with the fact that I have to eat at 7:30am) Unforetunelty, I still find my classes incredily dull except math, which I can't understand at the moment and even managed to confuse a tutor today...Other than that I have added two classes to my schedule that already has 18 credits. True neither one of my new classes is for credit but it puts me in class for at least 8 hours Monday through Thursday. It isn't as bad as it sounds. I have also come up with a workout regime that keeps me up til midnight. It sounds busy, but I am grateful for it. I like being on my toes.
So one of my new "classes" is a research lab of my professors that looks at the promoters in VEGF in pancreatic cancer that means I will be attempting to change and mutate some DNA to find the correct, if there is a correct CAGA sequence. It is really intense, and I think I am the only freshman but I am super excited. Also if you don't understand what I said, that is fine, I don't know if I completely understand.
Pick up is going well and my roommates are fine, but I am missing everyone and hoping that everyone starting school right now is enjoying it and makes the most of it. As to everyone else that is already in school, keep enjoying it! Love you all.

Headache and Heartbreak

2007-09-02T21:26:00.000-07:00

College is one of those interesting things in life, some people soar and some people flop. I have to admit that lately I have been flopping, hard core. Chapman is a good school and is full of interesting people, who all seem to already have made their own group of friends. I have been feeling very alone lately, and consequently been eating a good majority of my meals alone in the cafeteria. I knew this was coming when I decided to go to school alone, without any of my friends. I expected it and knew that it was part of the price I paid and until about three thirty this afternoon I wasn't paying it. I am not good at making friends, being loud or putting myself out there and so for the first week and a half I hid, in a corner to not bother other people, until I realized that if I didn't start "bothering" others I was going to be alone for the next four years of my life, and that wasn't something I was willing to trade. I am making progress here but there are still days I wish I was back home in Eugene, setting off for OSU or the likes, but I realize my opportunities for being here and I am sure that there is a reason I am here as well. Plus even if I am wrong and not ready to branch out the question becomes "if not now, when?"

Making that descion to turn around and try to put myself out there put me in a great mood, until I started talking to one of my friends who I considered very close and important in my life. They were being short with me, both via the phone and email and I couldn't for the life of me figure out why. Needing to know the answer so I could be satisfied, the short of it came down to them saying something along the lines of "I can be there for you in the hard times, but we won't really be the hanging out, person you can talk to type of friend" I was shocked and hurt. I attempted to hold back the tears, which would eventually cause the awful headache I am experiencing but to no avail when I tried to talk. "So I should just ignore you and not know what is going on in your life for some three months?" The answer, unforetunetly was a "basically, yes." I felt as if I was shattered. How could someone I trust, leave me when I had put my heart out there? I already felt alone and now it felt as if the greatest gift I could give, my love, was thrown back in my face as worthless. I didn't know what to say, so they said goodbye and I simple shut my cell phone. I haven't given up nor have I closed my heart. I refuse to leave anyone without an option. Even if they leave me barely anything to love with. Oh well, life will get better, I will continue to put myself out there and smile, I still have enough of a heart, and a good one (I hope), left to make new friends. Wish me luck.

Week One

2007-08-29T18:11:00.001-07:00

As I sit at my computer reading so many people's words of wisdom on how they are dealing with life, love and loss, I sometimes begin to wonder if I am in the right place, but the more I think about it, the more I feel like I am. I suppose I should give a full update.
Chapman University is very different from what I am used to. Everything on campus is close and the people all seem to have come into their own pre-supplied group of friends. It is hard to break down those walls, but the more I look around the more I realize how kind everyone is. My dorm is much bigger than I thought it would be with three girls in it, although I must admit that it helps that we have a walk in closet. More so than that, I can not believe how much stuff six girls could fit into one bathroom. It is ridiculous! Other than that things are well. My roommates are nice, but not what I am used to. I suppose it comes from having so many guy friends, Sarah H, Sarah T, Ashley and Aubri around, I am used to questions like "You want to go play Guitar Hero?" as opposed to my roommates favorite question "Does this shirt and skirt match?" Most of the time that I answer with "yea", because I have no clue.
Classes here are, for the moment, boring. Comparative Physiology (9am, MWF) is like AP/IB Bio but at a third of the pace, and the lab (M 1-4:50) was nothing to fascinating either. Calculus 2nd Semester is fine, a lot of review, but good (10 MWF). Chemistry will become interesting I am sure due to the ability of our teacher (11 MWF) My Chem lab (8-11:50, Tu) will also be interesting, once it gets going. My Freshman Foundations Course (TuTh 2:30) is super boring, and I can't help but check the clock every thirty seconds. I haven't made it to honors yet, but my Eng. 104 class (TuTh, 1) is AMAZING. The teacher is exactly like an IHS teacher. He started by saying "I am not doing any of this fucking bullshit with a syllabis. You have all had a class and you know how it works." Honestly it was refreshing.
Tonight I am going to hear a Holocaust survivor speak. It should be interesting. On top of that I have been running quite a bit. The store is three miles from campus and I ran there for groceries the other night. Also one of the guys who is running the Ultimate Intermural league found out my entire Ultimate History and now says that I should be considered a "Frisbee God" and has asked me to help teach other people how to play, so I suppose that my coaching career is not yet done, but to be honest I am glad.
Other than that, not much has happened. But I am sure things will get better and one day I will have good stories to tell, just like David.

Orientation

2007-08-25T18:33:00.000-07:00

Okay, so while I realize that few people will ever read this I wanted to post these links to a show that I watched at orientation. The show is called N*gger Wetb*ck Ch*nk and if you ever get the chance to see it, DO IT. Hope you like...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLESDleDgXY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=12CrpigM9Vs

Men, love and Candy

2007-04-16T19:30:00.000-07:00

I know that this is going to be random, but it is what I was thinking (yes, I am aware that thinking is a bad habit) about when I wasn't feeling good. Okay, so lately my guy friends have been asking me why girls date such jerks. I couldn't answer, not knowing but then I started thinking. Girls often go for guys like they go for candy bars...okay stick with me...When we are little we go for the random things-the 5th Avenues, Big Hunks, Sweetarts and Pay Days. The candy is good but as we grow older and more experianced we go for the basics, Reeses Peanut Butter Cups, Almond Joys, Kit Kats and Twixts. What we learn, slowly in both cases, is that expermentation is good and fun, but the truth is that the basics who are there in any convience store or who are our friends through thick and thin, are the ones that we really enjoy and they are the ones who stay around on the shelf for a lot longer. I know that sometimes Almond Joys, Kit Kats, Reeses and Twixts aren't a lot to look at (at first), and that they have a few lumps but it is the inside that matters, they have the strong part and then the inside, which is worth the outer appearance and original misunderstanding. So I guess this is to my guy friends, to let them know that girls are a little slow, but we do catch on, and to my girl friends, who can see what they are picking the next time they go to choose a "candy bar."

Embrace

2007-02-26T19:28:00.000-08:00

It always is amazing to me how much a hug can mean to someone. I guess that is a weird sentance to start with but nonetheless it is so true. I can think of so many times where I have been so down on myself, where I just wanted to give up, and I honestly felt like no one was there only to recieve a huge hug from a friend and then suddenly realize how important that connection is. I guess the only bad part about this desire and need for hugs is when you don't get enough of them. Sometimes it seems like we all hide away from human contact, or the days that we really need it, we, unfortunetly, recieve none. I don't know how to fix this but I just wanted to remind people to share their hugs, and that sometimes the silly things that you do make peoples' days. To clarify, someone once said "A single human touch is worth a thousand words of hope and promise." Remember and don't be afraid to reassure someone with a touch.

X-mas

2006-12-08T18:02:00.000-08:00

I am glad to note that my week has been okay. I have been fighting against the stupidity of the churchill band program but otherwise I have had a very good week. I have not been distracted by silly boys and I have kept all my secrets to myself. I have found that christmas is a time of giving and I am excited to be doing things for my friends in the near future. I am excited to see their facial expressions on Monday, if I can figure out everything that I am getting them. Wish me luck for I want the people I love to get it as well. Merry christmas and just a note from the "wiser" enjoy your family, this is the time to do it, and you don't know what you are missing until it is gone...I promise.

Beauty and Boyfriends

2006-11-28T21:04:00.000-08:00

I don't know who wrote the rules, but I am going to shoot them. Today was awful. It started out okay, only to go vastly downhill. I was doing okay until I got my math test, which sucked, my SAT scores, which I am not happy with, and decided to talk to Ben. The conversation started a week ago, when on the phone he told me I needed a boyfriend. I instantly asked why. His reply was "just cause, I mean, you're decent looking." Confused at his comment (what does decent mean???) I let it go, not worrying about it. Then from a trusted friend I heard that decent generally means that it isn't painful to look at you, but you are no pretty thing either. I was hurt, no one wants their friends telling them that they are half a step above ugly...Anyways, today Ben once again went in to the "You need a boyfriend" and suddenly I felt attacked. Was I not good enough or worthy of consideration without a boyfriend? I was ticked. If he had such a problem with it, why doesn't he fix the problem himself??? Not that I want that. I just want to be thought of as a person reguardless of whether I have a boyfriend or not. I just think that it is unfair and cruel to make me feel like a piece of crap becuase guys think that only girls that are hooked up are worth the space they take up.

Holidays...

2006-11-04T17:59:00.000-08:00

I don't know if anyone else dispises holidays like I do. I can't really explain how I feel about them. I used to be really good at hiding the fact that I didn't like them. I would pretend to get happy, smile, talk about what I wanted for my birthday. I just don't care anymore. Maybe I should clarify. I don't want anything nor do I need anything, except for friends who care about me, and luckily I have tons of those. I am blessed with many those. I only need to be able to give. Give of myself and show how much I care about others, but when others do the same for me I feel like a waste of thier time, I feel lucky and loved, but guilty too. I miss so many of my friends in the time of holidays. The holidays are for families, but my family is my friends, they build a close knit network around me that keeps me from smashing into the concrete. However, I guess I should explain why I am writing all this, so when I stumble across this in another three months I will remember what I was thinking, and hopefully be able to laugh about it. My birthday has always felt hollow. When my family was together there were always arguements, hidden by parties I would plan and the constant idea that "autumn" was a time of death and rotting pumpkins. Lucky me. Then came the split, no more even faking of a family atmosphere, just my dad gone, ony fifty percent of the time remembering to call, and when they divorced it was a bribery gift, $50 and a see you in two weeks, if I was lucky. Now it is nothing. No hope of hearing his voice, or the dreading of the kiss goodnight with his prickly beard the first night I get to see him. Just an emptiness that needs to be filled, but I want no one to know about. I mean people don't like hanging out with me when I am happy and go lucky, who would ever want to hang out with me if I were a depressed whiner?

Dear Anonymous

2006-07-29T14:09:00.001-07:00

I am sorry that I cannot spell anonymous, I did try however. But back to your question. There was some doubt of what my "old" friends want and expect of me. I don't know how to act, except that I am supposed to be smart, and a good frisbee player. I feel as if I am not expected to grow or that I am only around because of one of the afore mentioned talents. The beauty of my "new" friends is that they haven't seen that side of me. They like who I am when I talk and just hang out. I don't even know if half my "old" friends know who I am when I just chill. I don't want to say that I dislike my "old" friends, I love them alot, but I am somewhat disturbed by the fact that I never see or hear from them...although the same could be said of me. Oh, well. Life. I hope this helps. Keep writing.
Autumn

Highway of Life

2006-07-17T08:19:00.000-07:00

It's always amazed me how powerful summer could be. I guess that many times we don't even notice it. It's kinda cool atcually. You can face the world all summer and redifine who you are, or stay the same. I guess I have decided to take the first road this summer, but perhaps this is without intention. I have wonderful friends, that I often feel I over rely on. I needed to fix that problem, so I have begun to hang out with others, the suprising thing is that becuase I have hung out with these others, I have had a new definition of myself brought into my life. In the short time that I have hung out with these people I have learned to be myself and relax. I have discovered that it is okay to just say what I think and that crazy looks come, but not all are to forbid or abandon what you have done. I have learned to do a cartwheel, and a handstand, although both still need quite a bit of work. I have learned, from a friend, how to drive a stick shift. And the fact that this friend willingly drove for half an hour to help me made me feel like maybe life's inconviniences are worth it. So after locking my keys in the car, haveing not one, but two cars break down on me, Sarah locking her keys in her car and being given a new step father, I believe that I have learned to step back, take a breath and be who I am with new people. Too bad I can't be exactly who I am with the old people yet...

Ups and downs

2006-06-11T00:16:00.000-07:00

For the last little while, I suppose since Frisbee finished I have been in a mood of extreme ups and downs, and until tonight I think that the ups were losing quite badly to the downs...Lately I have been facing thoughts of aloneness, friendship abuse, eating disorders and plain depression. But in all this chaos I have also started to see a light at the end of the tunnel that I hadn't noticed before. Perhaps I should start at the beginning.
I don't know where it came from but suddenly I felt alone. I wasn't getting along with my mom, still not being able to comprehend how she could accuse me of such things, and I was feeling a bitter, bitter resentment towards Aubri. I was mad at almost everyone I knew. I couldn't help it. I felt like everyone was out to tell me I was wrong, that I was dumb and that I would never succeed. On top of this I felt as if my friends were slipping away. I watched as my friends had plans, that rarely included me unless a car was neccissary or they needed my brain to get a passing grade. It seemed to me that the only reason anyone would talk to me is because they knew that I would do what they did not want to do. As this feeling began to build up, my "solid" foundation that so many people think I have, began to crumble at an alarming pace. I sunk to a level of depression I had not known before. I didn't want to go home, I even spent two hours taking a nap in my car just so I wouldn't have to go home to be alone, not that it helped. This path that I was following was starting to get steeper, and my cares heavier. I found myself in an obsession to be in control. To do something, anything that would let me be in charge. At first, it was simple, sort the Band music. Yeah, dumb outlet I know. But for one blissful day it worked. I sorted 23 pieces of music with Brian's help and then went to the Choir concert. But the moment I was back in my car, alone, the feelings returned. I tried to think of what I could do, what I could keep in control of at all times, but nothing came to mind. As I stared at the mirror that night I started to formulate the plan that came to my head. I wasn't happy with who I was, or how I looked. By taking control of eating, I could take control of two aspects of my life with one hit. That started the week of no lunch, no snacks and very small breakfasts and dinners.
As I slowly began freaking myself out with the whole food thing, I resorted to thinking about my problems. I didn't sit in a class long enough to think of the subject, only the question of "what's wrong with me?" The only answer came in the form of "a lot." When I look now to what was bothering me it seems clear. I am afraid of change. I'm not ready to face graduation in a year, or figure out where the next four years of my life are going to be. I don't want to change my routine of getting mad at one parent and turning to the other for advise, but I have to change all of that. Frightened by the truth, I gave up...until tonight.
Going to meet Kari in the school parking lot was crazy. It was late and on the wrong side of town but I went, in the craziest outfit. A pair of dirty, broken jeans, a country skirt, and a soccer shirt layered on top of a brown long sleeve, left me feeling crazy, but strangly comfortable. As I pulled into the parking lot, Kari was on the phone, giving me a wave I knew that I would have to wait. I climbed on top of the hood of my car, and decided to do what I had been craving to do for weeks. I leaned back and stared at the stars. As I watched those twinkling balls of light, thousands of light years away, framed by stringy clouds I had a sensation come over me that helped me lift my self up off of my path of personal destruction. I felt beautiful. It sounds crazy, and it sounds dumb, but the truth is that it saved me. I knew, without a doubt in my mind that it was okay for me to be a little weird. I was beautiful becuase of who I chose to be. I was the person that called people to apologize because they felt guilty, I was the one who would help people--whenever. I knew that people could count on me and I knew that no matter what, I was exactly who I chose to be and that no one, especially God, would want me to be anyone else.
So I guess I should say in closing, find the beauty in yourself. Share it with others, share it with me. Never let go of who you are and speak, scream, whisper or just talk through your problems. I am hear, He is hear and everyone else is here, near and far. They are the beauty waiting for you too.

Westerns and stuff

2006-05-25T20:37:00.000-07:00

I suppose that it is about time that I finally wrote up my thoughts and feelings about Westerns. I know that there is a lot going on in my mind right now as to what happened and didn't happen and I know what will come out in this spill, well, not exactly what will come out. In a cruel sort of way, Westerns snuck up on us. I don't mean that all of the sudden it was that we were blindfolded and sent on a plane to Colorado, I mean that suddenly half of our girls, including myself, were either sick or injured. As we set out last Friday, I was missing my dark jersey, and was coming down with the worst sickness I have had all year. Lisa pulled her hip flexer, Aurbi's knees looked like someone sent them through a meat grinding machine. Emily had been missing practice for a variety of reasons and CJ was just healing from a sprained ankle and being sick. It seemed like what we had been preparing for had left us unprepared and under manned (or womanned.) As we finally made it to Colorado, we noticed the dryness but also the beauty. It was the perfect mix of Eugene and Southern California. Great weather, awful memories. As we finally made it to our hotel, our stomachs made their largest complaint about their emptiness. Trudging back out to vehicles was to begin the worst part of my night. As all the juniors crammed into one van and the freshman in another, I didn't know where to go. Standing in the middle of the parking lot, Mindy Force was kind enough to invite me to come with her, Daniel and Collin. Relieved that I not only had a place to sit but was with friends my mood slowly started to improve, until Luke told us he needed one of us to leave. As his gaze fell directly on me I knew tha tI would be alone with the fresheman. As dinner that night I was allergic to half my food and had to sit next to Nina. There is no need to say more.
The next morning we were all up and ready to play. We came out hard and took our first game solidly, 13-3. The next round was a bye, and we took too much time relaxing and not enough time watching. Coming out in our second game, we were out of it to begin with, but then decided to make a run at it. The run might have gotten us back into it, but the constant verbal harrassment from the other team got us too down. At that point we shut down. Playing our butts off earlier that day, we gave NW a sad excuse of a game. Luckily for us they are a team with great spirit and fun. We wished them luck and they took it to second place. After our third game we went to watch the guys. After a disgusting pick call, they ended up losing to Lakeside, setting them against South. South came out ready to go, while CHS was the biggest mess I have ever seen. Sad to say the boys were beaten fairly badly, but the night would get worse. Watching the showcase games gave many of us and idea of who we might be playing with in the next two years. A crazy thought. After that it was back to the hotel and mostly, swimming. Hanging out calmed my nerves, but what ended up shaking me was being sick. After discovering that you could open the trunk through the window, and fit two people back there, we were off to the store. I bought cough drops, went back to the hotel, wrote some personal stuff in my journal and then quickly conked out.
Waking up the next morning sucked. I was tired, sore and sicker than ever. Making sure that everyone was taped and ready to go filled my morning as we had to be out of there at 7:30 am. Once ready to go we hit the fields. Playing our first game, Aubri and I got to match up against some of our friends from tryout camp. It was a fun game, and we took it quickly 13-3. South on the other hand lost their game, sending us agianst South in the quarter finals. Playing them sucked. The game was no fun until the second half when we started playing like a team and family. I would like to think that my pep talk did infact pump up my team but I do not know for sure. We played well the second half but still lost. Our final game would be against Lakewood, a Colorado team that we took to give us the tie for 5th place. The guys cheered us on our last two points and it was nice to hear that what we were doing wasn't second place to the real competion in the opens division as many people tried to lay claim. But I suppose that all that is not waht is truely important...
The CHS womens team, also lacking an adult coach this weekend, played together. We won and lost as a team. Lisa, who was injured and in pain, kindly called lines, and while in the game came up with some throws I never thought she had. Emily Neyman had some sick deep cuts that us into our endzone much faster than we imagined. CJ broke the South cup all weekend long, and didn't drop a single disc. Christine and Kimber were our dynamic cutting duo, responsible for much of the flow of our game. Yeon and Claire, as much as they despise being lumped together, played harder than either one thought possible. Both got amazing D's and shocked high schoolers with their amazing skill. Rosie, who had only been playing for a little over a month really stepped it up. And I have to say that Aubri was the back bone of out team. She had so many skys and bids that most people stopped to watch and the UPA is even bragging. Overall it was a great weekend that we will only improve upon next year.
I however feel as if I was the least helpful person on the team. I know that handling can be a somewhat thankless job, but I didn't realize how much. Props to Collin, Andrew, Daniel and Peter Q-B for dealing with it.

Love

2006-05-08T20:08:00.000-07:00

I know that this is going to sound crazy but I think that I just understood the true meaning of love. Love is a concept, at least to my understanding that is thrown around far too easily. Many times we catch ourselves saying things like: I love milk or I love history. But the honest truth is that you don't love those things. No one that I know of would die for milk or history. People say that they love thing when they really mean that they like things. I however have finally come to understand that the deepest love (except for maybe Jesus's love) is between friends (counting Jesus as all of our older brother) I know many people would argue that the strongest love is through a family but some of the things that people have said and write to me have started to convince me other wise. Included are somethings that people have typed to me that mean so much more and cost the price of love that I could never repay.
You are one of those that has influenced me greatly, especially with my ultimate play. Because watching you at state last spring made me feel like, "wow could i do that" and now i try. ~Jeff Chandler
You are my Hero! ~Peter Qualtere-Burtcher
Your a great person. Love life, love yourself, love school, ( stay in school,), love Ultimate, <<< (i mean continue too,) love Aubri, and most of all, LOVE YEON! ~Yeon Choi
but i just wanted to tell you that i appreciate you and love you and want you to be happy, you are the best coach i've ever had and a really good friend, let other people help you out when you need it we want to it won't kill us i promise. you are super sexy, a really good, smart, productive,loveable, wanted person. ~Emily Skeen
I sometimes wish that I could help her with her problems, as I do for you too. Though I am one silly girl, I can be serious. I am a good advice-giver, and since your busy busy lives dont need any more build up as it is, know that I, Yeon Choi, will take some of that weight off your guy's shoulders. Tell Aubri I said that too. I love you guys. Dont fight. Stay in school. ~Yeon Choi
I know that these aren't the only things but this is what I found in five minutes. Just the realization and the purity that I find in these few simple sentances amazes me. I feel as if the world has been lifted up off of my shoulders when I look at what people have given me, not their friendship, time, advise or intelligence. But they have accually given me their love. A thing so emcompassing that the item can never be repaid or redestributed. It is something we can never take away from each other, only give and that is one of the most glorious things in life. Giving love is giving life. When you give someone your love, you give them your friendship, time, advise, intelligence and so much more. The lives that we all touch with simple kindness is felt in a love that is like a smouldering fire. Once that fire gets a little more fuel it gives more heat, and with more heat it is given more fuel. I guess that the true purpose of this post is to say that I know love, am blessed with love and pray that everyone will always know love. I hope that I pass on love to others and can be some of the fuel on that smouldering fire. I hope that we all love one another. We are so precious that it would be crazy not to love one another. May you be blessed with love, total and complete love- pure love.
With love, from me.

Adults...

2006-05-01T20:02:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I really wonder about adults. I mean who said, okay you are eighteen, I feel that you are responsible. Let me tell you there are just some people not ready to take on those responsibilities...Anyways different subject. Is anyone else worried about Aubri?? She is seriously frightening me lately. I know something is wrong, but she won't tell anyone. I think that if Daniel or Luke talked to her long enough that she would open up, but even then I don't know. She seems so sad and lost, I wish I could be her guiding light. Or maybe just a candle to show her that her feet are still on safe and friendly ground. Hmm, I guess I don't have too much more to say...I do have a question, Yeon and Claire, did my advise help or would you rather I didn't comment? Okay that is all. Loves.

Middle Schoolers!

2006-04-20T19:20:00.000-07:00

Hey all, I am in a good mood (for once) The last KMS vs. RMS game was today and everyone played really well. I feel like we have, as coaches anyways, finally found the root of our problem. Our A team kicked some serious butt and got along great. The B team did well but had some unfortunate communication issues. I am excited for them this weekend!!! I have to say, that I will miss my crazy middle schoolers and the crazy crazy RMS coaches, "buddy system around Ivan!" Later.

Tired

2006-04-06T19:52:00.000-07:00

I probably shouldn't be posting this, I probably shouldn't even be thinking/sharing thoughts like this. But I am, becuase it is better than the other two ideas in my head that consist of finding some sharp object to play slice and dice with my hands or never moving out of my bed again. So, deep breath, here it goes.
I am tired. Physically, mentally, emotionly. I am tired of so many things at once. I suppose the best idea is just to list why I am tired.
1. I am tired of teachers who make me feel like an idiot.
2. I am tired of getting lectures of how I need to be "more on top of things"
3. I am tired of having to explain my feelings to adults after being backed into a corner with no place to go.
4. I am tired of hearing how beautiful Aubri is from my guys friends because
a. I am quite aware of it.
b. It makes situations akward with them.
c. In a stupid way, it hurts my feelings.
5. I am tired of being picked on by my middle schoolers.
6. I am tired of being beat up by my middle schoolers.
7. I am tired of being personally responsible for all the middle schoolers skills and attitudes, even if it is in a joking way.
8. I am tired of being sick.
9. I am tired of feeling uncomfortable with myself and friends.
10. I am tired of hearing about worlds.
11. I am tired of my mom's wierd boyfriend making me feel like a piece of crap.
12. I am tired of having to be my own parent.
13. I am tired of thinking that my dad is dead.
14. I am tired of thinking Ultimate Frisbee coaching and playing.
15. I am tired of being fat and ugly.
16. I am tired of sleeping.
17. I am tired of going to school.
18. I am tired of teachers just saying that everything is my fault and I deserve it. (Although if anyone has any light on this one, please let me know how I "deserve" it.)
19. I am tired of not being strong enough.
20. I am tired of having to worry about pissing Aubri off everytime I speak to her.
21. I am tired of everything, all things but mainly life.
Sometimes I just wish that someone would take care of me. I wish that I didn't have to figure out all the details. I wish that my frisbee coach would say, "hey great job, you are going to make us proud at Worlds" instead of "you dropped three, Julia hand blocked you, your not running fast enough, and it is mostly your fault if we don't win this game." I guess the real problem is that I am struggling with myself. Who I am is no longer clear. I am not the same girl as two months ago. That girl had a father, World try outs and a sister down in California. This girl, who I am now, is taking charge of two frisbee teams (with Aubri's emensly appriciated help) helping with fundraisers, getting yelled at by teachers, has fallen behind in class (something that had never happened until my dad died) and is taking 9 classes. Sometimes, I think that being a non moving plankton in my bed for a week is the best idea I have ever had. Too bad it would never work. Well I think that that is enough depressment for one night. I don't have any good words of wisdom sorry.

Announcement

2006-03-28T07:40:00.000-08:00

HEy guys, this going to be a short post really. So here is everything I have to say......I made the World Juniors Team for the USA. Thats it. Later.

Two totally seperate things...

2006-03-24T21:18:00.000-08:00

Ineffective. I think that this sums up my day fairly well. I guess I shouldn't be so negative, and my anonymous poster has definatly given me something to chew upon. I worry a lot. I don't know how many people know that. I worry the most about my friends and the people I care about. I worry that I have not been a good enough friend to Aubri, especially after anonymous. I worry that I don't do enough during school and I worry that my middle schoolers don't have fun. I know most people would say that this is completly silly, but many of them have expressed a feeling of negitivity and I feel as if some of them are on the verge of quitting. I wish that they would talk to me... Maybe they will...

So everyone I talk to seems to ask me what a kastovian writer is. Pretty much I am writing this story and the characters are all from Kastova. I writer the story so I am a kastovian writer. Here is a clippit a of the story (in the middle I might add)
Alex stood back out of breath, staring at her latest partner. It was an extremely odd day in weapons class, not only did they pick their partners, but they were also doing knife fighting. Alex still stared at her partner remembering the attacks and counters she had thrown. The powdered dye on the covered edges of the knifes showed the hits that you made to your partner and visa versa. Alex's knife had been covered in a purple maroon and her partner had a good many marks along his abdomen and chest. Looking down at herself Alex noticed a long bit of color across her right shoulder.
"I got you good," Calder told her, smiling a bit to himself.
"True but I got you good, too," Smiling, in spite of herself. "Good fight."
"You too," He returned before they quickly bowed out. They were in groups of six, three pairs. They were switching after each fight, fighting each other once each. Alex looked on to her next partner, Zeke, who had just got done with Onan. Looking worse for ware, Zeke walked over. Onan's green dye was smeared all over the front of his tunic. Alex hid a smile and nimbly stepped back into fighting stance. Zeke eyed her wearily before doing the same. Garin called out for them to begin and they were off.
Zeke took the lead and began to circle. Alex followed suit looking for his weak point. Zeke lunged, heading towards Alex's middle, blade aimed to make contact with the point. Alex side stepped it at the last second and came across Zeke's chest leaving a purple streak. Zeke didn't wait to come back, he tried multiple higher fashioned moves that worked well, but his basics lacked power and accuracy. They went on like that for a while. Zeke getting her every so often with a complicated move, while missing her on his basics, while Alex weeded her way in with almost basics alone. When Garin gave the command to halt, they both immediately took a step backwards.
Zeke had a good streak of purple across his chest from the first hit and some smaller pointed dots in a wider array of area. Alex had on herself a few point marks on her abdomen and yet another long streak of color across her right shoulder.
"Good job, but your basics need work," Alex told her friend.
"Thanks," He responded through gritted teeth. "Your complicated passes are no better than a street thieves."
He walked away, and Alex regretted what she had said, she was always forgetting that he hated being corrected. She gave a loud sigh as her next partner came up.
"Everything okay?" Dargo asked Alex.
"Yes, just forgetful today," She told Dargo as her eyes followed Zeke. Dargo nodded with sympathy, but Garin's voice echoed across the practice yard before their conversation could be complete. They both stepped back into the ready stance, eyeing each other carefully. The height was different than Alex's last two fights and she would have to take that into account. As Garin's bellow of start resounded, everyone locked knifes.
Dargo wasted no time, heading at Alex in the exact way a bigger person might, trying to hold her to the ground. Alex realizing the tactic almost instantly, slipped away. Dargo turned and studied her for a brief second before going in again. He tried many of the key concepts and basics, more to test her than to score. She responded fairly quickly, but he noticed her weak point. Her right shoulder. He battered at her right arm, and then quickly changed to the left. He wore himself out almost as fast as he wore Alex out. It was a back and forth battle, neither one scoring much. The knifes flickered back and forth, giving of small glints of their bladed silver. Alex had earned a good mark against Dargo when he was still testing her, leaving a streak of purple across the left side of his abdomen. Alex had been unmarked for the entire fight, when in the last few moments; Dargo got a long streak of his blue across her right shoulder without much effort. After that it was a matter of moments before Garin called the fight. Taking a step back as was customary Dargo and Alex looked at each other. Dargo had a small smirk on his face while Alex's eyes clearly showed shock.
"Watch that shoulder," Dargo said, nodding to her right. "It is your weak spot, and not a good place to have one either."
"Thanks," Alex replied. Unsure of what to say, she closed her mouth and Dargo walked over to Zeke. Onan was next up for Alex and he walked over quickly, having just finished with Calder. He smiled down at Alex, but Alex was lost in thought.
"Alex," Onan said. Still there was no response behind Alex's daring blue eyes. Onan cleared his throat and leaned closer to Alex's ear. "Princess Alex." Alex shook herself awake quickly. She stared in horror, sure that someone would now turn her in, but all she saw in front of her was Onan's smiling face.
"Sorry," Alex replied.
"Good fight, right?" Onan asked.
"Yes," Alex responded. She gave a weak smile as Garin called them to the ready position. As Onan and Alex stepped back into the ready stance, they eyed each other carefully. Neither one had fought each other in the five months they had been here in any weapon. Unsure of what to be prepared for, they watched each other closer than anyone else. As Garin gave the command to commence, they were both off. Onan was using brute force and his size to throw Alex back, knowing that her five foot one frame didn't have the strength that his six foot one did. Alex on the other hand worked on agility. She attempted to slide in and out, weaving around Onan's bulkier frame, but that was not working to well. Onan attacked Alex with a series of blows that she barely had time to think about to block. Once done, Alex returned with quick moving strikes as well. They went back and forth the whole time neither one getting much ground. Alex got Onan across the abdomen with both the side of the blade and the point, but could get no higher. Onan on the other hand, worked his point in to a couple of different marks on Alex's chest, and like everyone else a side edged swipe to her right shoulder. As they battled back and forth, each getting more exhausted, they began to get sloppy but neither one gave up. Just as both were about to collapse, Garin called to a halt. Both Onan and Alex stepped away from each other, panting.
"Really excellent job," Alex gasped out, still trying to catch her breath.
"You too," Onan replied after a few seconds. "You’re amazing."
Both had finally caught their breath enough to stand up and looked up to see their marksmanship. Noticing where they hit on each other they laughed.
"I guess being short has some advantages," Alex said, smiling.
"And so does being tall," Onan returned.
Alex watched as Onan walked away. Onan and Calder were on Alex's right while Zeke and Dargo were on her left. Both pairs looked wearily at her partner. Turning back around Alex took a good look at her new partner, Bade. He stared down at Alex giving her a malicious look over. He noticed the streaks of green, blue, yellow, and black on her right shoulder and gave her a look that Alex didn't even want to try and understand. Garin called for position too soon, in Alex's opinion, as she stepped back. Bade quickly turned around and dropped something on the ground at this time and kicked it away, but Alex was too tired to notice. All at once Garin's voice rang out for the last match.
Bade attacked Alex so fiercely she barely had time to bring her knife up. She dodged as Bade attacked her again and again. His eyes held an insane passion that seemed to only come on when he fought her. She tried every move that she could think of with no success. Bade beat at her with no mercy. Out of nowhere Bade's hilt of the knife came into contact with Alex's right temple, which was off limits. Alex began to feel light headed and dizzy very quickly. She fell to her knees unable to get up or block when she noticed what Bade had dropped, it had been his knife sheath. His knife was coming down quickly, it plunged so-what deeply into her right shoulder, spilling red blood on the ground. Alex's head dropped as the muscles were cut coming closer and closer to her exposed neck. Wanting to go out with dignity she made no sound, but her body would not her allow her the dignity she wanted. Just before Bade's knife came in for the fatal cut, she blacked out.

I also write poet and just felt like sharing...
The Year’s Demand
Summer shines like sailing ships,
Autumn comes in lazy times,
Winter blows her freezing lips,
Spring erases all the lines.

Dreaming of a silent breeze,
Hoping for the green of trees,
Looking for summers seize,
Wishing for some silent leas.

Not is all as we believe,
Things are not always to appease,
None the less, we will achieve,
Finding ways with long lost keys.

Sorry that was a super long post, hope you'll read it.

Thoughts and ideas...

2006-03-22T19:11:00.001-08:00

Hmm, what a long day. I can't believe how everything has passed, mostly in a haze at that. I feel a little outside of my body today. I watch from this edge, begging to be pulled in yet pulled back. I have seen so much today, this week, this month this year. I guess most of you (if anyone reads this) know most of my life stories. I feel drug out, like my life is not how it is or should be. Most days I want to quit, really quit. No more frisbee, no more middle schoolers, no more science, math, econ or band. No more anything. I feel as if I were to fall into the clouds I would finally feel the peace surrounding my harsh exterior. I feel lost in this crazy sea.
Not to mention I miss my Dad. A lot. There are times that I feel like he is right there, encouraging, yet bitter at my lack of intelligent competition (too bad he didn't meet all the frisbee guys, pure genius if you ask me) I feel his gentle touch near at hand and I know that I can't ever forget him. I listen to songs that I used to love, used to sing in imaginary scenes of my mind, crying because I can't hold him. There are even those nights were I can't go to sleep, the image of his peaceful body laid in his coffin. Gone, never again. But he went peacefully, right? So why aren't I at peace? I dance of a thin blade, pleading for a gift a sign. Lost, ohh so lost.
Not all is lost however. I find that I do have friends, however far in between they may be. I know I have a supporting arm, if I were ever to be desperate and need to cling to someone else. I know that if I ever lose my composure that hides my inner weakness, I will survive, even if I am embarrassed. I also am somewhat comforted by the fact that Aubri continues to light upon a new destiny and place on the CHS frisbee team. She has worked so hard and landed with a gentle touch as the number one woman in Oregon if not the West Coast. I know most people disbelieve me as I type this. I know that I am often thought of as the best woman but that is not the truth. Collin has seen that, I believe Andrew is in denial, and Daniel won't let himself admit it because he is just too nice. Aubri is so amazing and her potential carries through everywhere. Where I break at the seems, she takes harder classes, more extra things and less hours of sleep and does better. I know I sound happy for her, but deep down, I am super jealous. She is awesome.
I guess this is kind of a long post. But I must committ what I feel to words. I must promise myself that I will think more positive, quit bragging and leave myself written reminders that while I feel like I am being sucked down a cyclone right now that the eye of the storm is the safest. Not only that but if I trust in my faith and friends I will be delieved in the end. I might be a bit more bruised and scratched, but I will be okay. Well better go.
Autumn